Caleb

Last May, I gave birth to my 5th son, Caleb Blaize, and our 9th child. When I say gave birth, I am ashamed to say, I still feel a wee bit of grief. Caleb was born via C-Section. I know it was the best way for him, and I am so grateful that he arrived safely. But, there is some part of me that mourns the loss of his birth. I mourn the loss of the moment you feel your child slip from your body and feel the thrill and exhiliration at that accomplishment - pushing your child toward life and his first breath. I miss the midwife laying him on my belly to feel the smooth sliminess of a newborn just from his mother's womb. I miss the pictures his dad would have taken and I am sad that all the children never got a chance to crowd into the hospital room to meet him.

It's silly, and I know it. I have actually been afraid to say it outloud, because I am so very, very thankful that the doctor was able to get him out, healthy and frankly, alive. I woke up on a Tuesday morning, 12 days past my due date. I instantly knew something wasn't right, but thought I was just overreacting. When the babe didn't move much throughout the day, I grew more concerned and ended up having my husband come home from work to take me to the hospital just to make sure everything was okay. Well, it wasn't. When we got hooked up to the moniter, it quickly became clear that Caleb was is some kind of trouble. I knew as soon as I heard his heartrate dip that I would end up with a C-Section. I have always had natural births, so this was a first for us. I was so, so scared that something was really wrong. I wanted my mom, as she is always with me when my babies are born, but I knew they would not let her in the OR. It was so fast, and yet seemed to take forever, but finally Caleb was out, but not crying. He had no amniotic fluid left. Everything around him was meconium, and he had aspirated some. They were taking him away, to another hospital in a neighboring town. I was so upset, and so scared that this didn't really register much with me for a little while.

Caleb went to the NICU at another hospital, and I spent two nights and one day without him - the worst I have ever spent. I couldn't believe that I wasn't with him. I made my doctor discharge me 40 hours after he was born so I could go to his hospital and be with him.

In the end, my beautiful Caleb, everything was fine. You were healthy and chubby and lovely. I have given birth eight times now. I never get over the wonder. Your smile makes my world go round, and your sturdy little body is so sweet to hug and snuggle. I will always be sorry that we missed those first moments we should have had together, but the Lord is allowing us so many others, that we have made up for it already. You are in your bassinet, scrooching around and letting me know you are ready for a nice long nurse. So, my darling boy we'll sit in our chair, and cuddle in this early morning chill, and I know my heart will trip over itself falling in love with you for the thousandth time in the last four months.