Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Bad Day

Do you ever think about the road not taken? In truth, I hardly ever do. I am usually pretty content. I have the regular ups and downs of any mom, especially one with many children. For the most part, I plod along and get done what I can manage every day. I don't think anyone who knows me would say that I slave away all day or anything. Most days I just do what I can do, ya know? Laundry, three meals, clean up from usually 1 or 2 of them, with the girls cleaning up the other. School, which means math and  reading with each child, and then letting the big ones work on science and poetry, language arts on their own. Baths, books, prayers and bed. Computer for work as long as I can manage without losing focus.

Most days I am just fine with this. But not today. Today, I am having a bad day. I am thinking about all the things I never got to do when I was younger, all the places I never got to go. Don't get me wrong, I made my choices. I would most certainly change some of them, and others, most certainly would not.

I would for sure wait longer before having a baby. I would play more, go more places, and maybe make more friends. I cannot name a single person I went to college with  - I cannot remember a face or a name - how sad is that? I would like to have had some good friends I made in college, but I don't. My own fault, but there it is.

I wish I had had more fun before settling into parenthood, then another marriage and more parenthood. I have two kind of crazy memories - two. I wish I had more memories, of any kind, really. Most of everything since I was 19 is a blur -  kind you get from just being busy. I just wish I had had more fun. Kid fun, stupid fun. You know the kind I mean, right? Then, there  comes a certain point when you are just too old to have that kind of fun - even if the opportunity presented itself. You have duties, responsibilities, and an example to set.

I'm supposed to be this mom - this nice, Catholic, homeschooling mom. I am supposed to pray for grace, and be a calm presence in my children's lives. I'm supposed to have it all together. But I don't. I don't know if I have even articulated this well, but I hear the baby splashing in the toilet. He's having fun. I am so not.