Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The good, the bad, and the lovely...

I woke up this morning at 7a.m. and got ready for my first whole day in an office in years. I was so nervous, my heart felt like it was trying to claw it's way up my throat. I'm still not sure why I was so nervous, and by the end of the day, I was somewhat relieved. But, by the time I got home I was already starting to worry about Thursday. I know I will get used to this, but it's strange. It's odd to be away from the kids, especially the little ones. They weren't awake yet when I left, and the evening went so fast, by the time we got home, it was time for them to go to bed. I don't know how moms do this every day. Let alone sending their kids to school, then going to work, and then activities?! I honestly can't even imagine it, I don't even want to. At this moment in time, I feel like things will slow down again when they go back to school in the fall. What?! We just finished school! I am SO not ready to start back up again - but when they start up again, I will only be working one day a week. For some bizarre reason my terrified soul thinks that sounds pretty good.

I was never so anxious before Meg was born. I don't know if it is a product of her rather stressful entrance into the world  or just my reaction to parenthood. When I was in college, after Meg was born, every minute of my life was scheduled, practically. That might sound like an exaggeration, but it's not. I always had two jobs, and school, and homework, and her. This amounted to a fairly young mother trying to do so much, I ended up with panic attacks. They've never really gone away, and have gotten so bad at times that I thought I was having a heart attack. They have always been bad postpartum, but they have never lingered this long and with this much intensity before. Makes me feel weak. Like I don't know how to suck it up. If someone else were saying all this to me I would give them a pep talk, and then basically tell them to get over it. I can't seem to take my own advice.

I used to want to go places and see people. I loved to run all over, shopping, eating at my mom and dad's or one of my sisters' or brother's houses. I still enjoy those things, if someone can talk me into leaving my house, or even our little town. I used to be so impatient with being home all the time. I thought I should be running here and there - soaking up whatever life was currently offering. For some reason, I have become complacent. I prefer my own house, and to not leave to go...just about anywhere. I am not really sure when it happened, but I think it has always been there. Even as a teenager, I would make plans to go places, and right up until it was time to actually go, I would think it was a great idea, but when it came right down to actually doing whatever it was, I wasn't really interested. Sometimes I would go just because I had promised someone I would, but if I could get out of it, I would. I think I have been growing slowly agoraphobic for years. I'm not really scared to leave, though, so that doesn't fit. It's just that I'd rather not, thanks. Why go anywhere when I can sit on the floor and toss a baby, or pretend to smell his stinky toes and make him laugh? Why run here and there when I can chase my Benjamin, screeching with giggles through our house?

As for how today went, it was fine. Really fine. Nothing earth shattering. I am not sure what I was so nervous about, and even now, as my nerves tense and my heart pounds when I think about Thursday, I am still not sure WHY. But the day was fine, I think I have a pretty good handle on what needs to be done this summer, and of course there was never anything to really fear. Except the baby wanting to nurse when he woke up, but I wasn't there. Or Kenzie needing help with vocab, but I wasn't there. Or someone just wanting me, but I wasn't there. They all survived. Their dad, though reportedly grumpy all day, was here. Period of adjustment for us all. And lots of  lovely things did happen today. I got to ride into work with my Boo, and that made it SO. MUCH. EASIER. And my mom brought me a little goody bag full of little skin care items and other things I would never in a million years buy for myself. And my Boo (again) brought me a little box of nuts because she thought our family would enjoy them (they did, too!). I got to have lunch in the office with Meg and my mom. And my mom fixed me and all my kiddos her famous spaghetti for dinner - and that just takes the cake, ya'll. And then, to top it all off? My girls went to DQ on the way home (we were all in Canton separately) and brought me a frozen hot chocolate, I think they called it. And that was the cherry on the top of the cake or whatever. Top it all off with American Idol and Glee, and it was actually a pretty good day...I am thankful for all these things, these people. They do whatever they can to make things easier for me, especially because and in spite of my irrational fears. God has blessed me abundantly, I know that, and I am grateful...Blessings all, Goodnight!


  1. I love your day! It sounds like it was FABULOUS!!!!....good going -- you're doing fine :)

  2. uh, my first comment posted twice, not sure why -- thus the removal..just so you know!

  3. Even as a teenager, I would make plans to go places, and right up until it was time to actually go, I would think it was a great idea, but when it came right down to actually doing whatever it was, I wasn't really interested.

    YES. This is me, right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You sound so much like me.

    I just read your newest post and I don't have anything to say. There is comfort in the tears, my friend.

    Comfort in the tears.


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