Surrender

Surrendering yourself. It's awfully hard sometimes, isn't it? It's an interesting phase of life I am in. I have older children, middle children and little bitty children. I have college students and potty trainers. We have dorm rooms and cribs. Ramen noodles and nurser. And everything in between. I find myself often feeling a little sad that we are wrapping up our years with little ones. I wonder if I will ever feel as though I've had enough of it? I chase and tickle and love on my baby (who is nearly two) and think to myself, "Wow, I have never gone this long without a pregnancy." and am sad and relieved at the same time. So, I surrender myself to the moment, and enjoy his giggles of glee while I flip him over my head, or chase him through a room. And I think back to when he was just a wee little one. I think back to when they all were wee tiny. The smell of that newborn baby. They way they curve against my body. The waking in the night to nurse and whisper and cuddle. The way the oxytocin just courses through me and I fall in love over and over, and praise God, and thank Him again for the gift of a child. How can anyone feel they have had their fill of that?

I have been a nursing mama for over 14 years, consecutively. I nursed my oldest, too, so I could add her on, but I think the 14 years is enough. I have loved nursing my babies. I am still nursing my last baby, and am not quite ready to give up the last vestiges of our nursing relationship. Once the nursing is gone, he will be a little boy, not a baby anymore. I need him to be my baby for just a little while longer.

Nursing is the one area of motherhood that has come so easily to me. I have always felt so blessed about that, and I admit to having some rather adamant feelings on breastfeeding. This is one area where I am in complete surrender to my child. When I have a newborn, I know I am going to be spending a lot of time in a chair with that baby. I surrender myself to the needs of that baby. And I love every minute of it. Such a sweet, lovely way to begin a life long love, don't you think? I really don't think about much else during that time. I surrender that time period to that baby. We establish a great nursing relationship that way. So important in the beginning of a nursing relationship anyway - so we sit, and I sigh, and do my very best to memorize the features and the sounds and the way I feel about that baby. I miss this kind of surrender a lot.

Surrendering can be so hard to do. I would love to do nothing more than surrender myself to this houseful of little boys, and my girls. I would love to paint nails and braid hair, play cars and make cookies and even organize toys. Wouldn't life be so simple if that was all there were to it? But there is so much more. So many obligations to family, school, church, work. So, I have to dig deep and find surrender in other areas of my heart. Maybe I should call it perseverance, rather than surrender? But it feels like surrender a lot of days, doesn't it? But surrender sounds like whining, when I have been so profoundly blessed. So, persevere I will, even when I long to surrender to little boys who want to play, or tickle, or chase. Balance, perseverance, and a little bit of surrender - how do I find that? If you have got the recipe for that one, would you mind sending it along to me?