Do you ever think about the road not taken? In truth, I hardly ever do. I am usually pretty content. I have the regular ups and downs of any mom, especially one with many children. For the most part, I plod along and get done what I can manage every day. I don't think anyone who knows me would say that I slave away all day or anything. Most days I just do what I can do, ya know? Laundry, three meals, clean up from usually 1 or 2 of them, with the girls cleaning up the other. School, which means math and reading with each child, and then letting the big ones work on science and poetry, language arts on their own. Baths, books, prayers and bed. Computer for work as long as I can manage without losing focus.
Most days I am just fine with this. But not today. Today, I am having a bad day. I am thinking about all the things I never got to do when I was younger, all the places I never got to go. Don't get me wrong, I made my choices. I would most certainly change some of them, and others, most certainly would not.
I would for sure wait longer before having a baby. I would play more, go more places, and maybe make more friends. I cannot name a single person I went to college with - I cannot remember a face or a name - how sad is that? I would like to have had some good friends I made in college, but I don't. My own fault, but there it is.
I wish I had had more fun before settling into parenthood, then another marriage and more parenthood. I have two kind of crazy memories - two. I wish I had more memories, of any kind, really. Most of everything since I was 19 is a blur - kind you get from just being busy. I just wish I had had more fun. Kid fun, stupid fun. You know the kind I mean, right? Then, there comes a certain point when you are just too old to have that kind of fun - even if the opportunity presented itself. You have duties, responsibilities, and an example to set.
I'm supposed to be this mom - this nice, Catholic, homeschooling mom. I am supposed to pray for grace, and be a calm presence in my children's lives. I'm supposed to have it all together. But I don't. I don't know if I have even articulated this well, but I hear the baby splashing in the toilet. He's having fun. I am so not.
Megan...
ReplyDeleteOMGosh! I thought you had fallen off the face of the earth!!!LOL! I was beginning to worry about you.
As far as your post goes; I DO know what you are talking about. Only I DID wait 36 years to have kids and believe me, you really didn't miss much! I did the night club, "Not quite sure how I made it home some nights" era, and I have to say, it got old Quick! But even with the party days under my belt, I still feel times I "can't breathe" and need to get away. I feel like everyone relies on me to get everything done around here. Being a mom is probably THE most stressful job I have ever had. And I have had pretty stressful jobs. Working in a busy blood lab drawing blood on up to 1,000 patients a day or more. I also used to teach Phlebotomy at our local Business College. All of that at once and being a mom is MORE stressful right now...and I only have 2!!!! You are amazing to me, homeschooling, raising 9 kids, keeping a house, putting dinner on the table, not jumping off the bridge on a daily basis... I don't know how you do it. But like I remind myself all the time, these little people are NOT going to be little forever, and when they are grown and gone..What ever will I do with my time? Again that song... "Then they do" by Trace Adkins. It makes me bawl like a baby.
My son's birthday is on Sunday. He will be 5. I find myself crying alot, because it seems like yesterday I brought him home from the hospital. See how fast time goes? Hang in there Megan, maybe make some time for yourself in the evenings, after the kiddies go to bed, go for a walk or do something you absolutley LOVE. It will make you feel better. Have a nice glass of wine, call an old friend and catch up. Even your sister. I would give ANYTHING to be able to call my sister! You have alot in life to be grateful for, just sit back and take it all in. Hope I was able to cheer you up a wee little bit. Take care! Shannon
HI Shannon, thanks for the pep talk. I am much better today. Sorry for the whiney post! I just start feeling like everyone's slave around here sometimes, and lose the joy. Girls are home from college, and I am having a very hard time adjusting to them being around. I am having a harder time adjusting to the fact that they DO NOTHING! So irritating. I wish they would go do nothing someplace else!
ReplyDeleteAnyway. Time for myself is not really an option. I also work part time for a web development company, so I do that stuff at night after the kids go to bed. Ah well, this is why you tell kids not to rush in, enjoy being young. I never go to do that. I never really thought I missed out until lately. Too late now, that's for sure. A day or two, and I won't even have this in my head anymore, so I should just quit whining and go switch the laundry around! Thanks again, Blessings, Megan
That's what friends are for!!!
ReplyDeleteI know this is an old post, but somehow I missed it and am just reading it now. I have had days like these...days when I wish I could have a "do over" and do certain things differently. For the most part, I am very content with the way my life choices have panned out. I do like that I started my family young (age 23) and I don't regret that I didn't travel the world or anything like that. I took girl friend trips to Mazatlan when I was 20. I went to Hawaii 3 summers in a row with my best friends starting at age 17. I went to Spring Breaks in Palm Springs a few years in a row. I went out dancing at clubs once I hit age 21. Then...at age 22...I met and fell in love with my husband and was married just a year later. Things went very quickly after that! I don't regret any of it...except ONE thing: I never lived on my own. I went from living in my parents home and being taken care of, right into my husband's home and being taken care of. If I had to do it over again, I would have moved out with a best friend or two at age 19 or 20 and lived on my own for a while before getting married. At the time, I thought I was doing the responsible thing by living at home and saving my money (which I later used for our wedding) but now, at age 40 with nine children and a husband and the same old routine day after day after day...well, I sometimes think about that and wish that I had lived on my own for a year or two before getting married. You know what...I have this reoccuring dream a few times a year where I am moving in with my best friend into our own apartment, and I am at my current age, but soooo darn excited! In this dream I am trying to figure out my share of the rent and wondering if I can afford it, all the while touring our new place and planning on where I'm going to put this picture and that piece of furniture. It's all very exciting, and in the back of my mind I am remembering that I have nine children and a husband, but at the same time I am fighting that memory because I don't want to realize my reality, because I know that once I do, I will wake from this dream and moving into my own place will never happen. And then sure enough, this is the time that I usually wake from the dream, and I slowlyg remember my reality and that no...I am not moving into my own apartment and probably never will (God willing! because I seriously would not want that now!) and for a minute or two I just lie there and I feel a bit sad about the dream, that it's just a dream...until my life slowly starts to kick in and I see the faces that I love come running to me, smothering me with kisses, etc. And all is well with the world.
ReplyDeleteBut yes...I do know the feeling of the road not taken. Having my own place is the one road that I never took, and if I could do it over again, I would choose to travel that road for a while before settling down.