Tuesday, May 23, 2017

To My Babies...

I wrote this way back in 2011, right after I miscarried our identical twin boys. I was scared to post it then....

In the last 16 years of my marriage, I have birthed and lost many babies. The first baby was Matthew. He was our first pregnancy after we got married. His pregnancy was ectopic, which meant that in the end, after running around for a week getting second opinions, I had to have emergency surgery. They were able to save my fallopian tube, but I had lost my baby.
Because God is good, and knew I needed to know my baby was okay, He sent Matthew to me in a dream. He was a beautiful dark haired boy of about 12. He told me his name was Matthew, and that he would be our special intercessor. He would pray for us, and watch over our family. Matthew, I have always, always loved you. I have told your brothers and sisters about you, and they love you, too. Your daddy and I cried when we lost you, and bonded even tighter together after our loss of you.
We got pregnant with our beautiful Mackenzie Rose soon after, in the spring of 1996. We were so thankful when she was born healthy and happy and oh, so very beautiful. She was later diagnosed with WPW, but that is another story for another day.
Jonah Douglas followed soon after, and while had had problems at birth, he was a happy, sweet baby, and we were so thankful for him. Jenna Rhiannon was born just two years after that, and Kolbe Thomas was born two years after. Then our trouble seemed to start.
About a year or so after Kolbe was born, we lost a baby. I had a miscarriage before I even knew I was pregnant. I don't know that wee baby's name, God never told me, but I had a vision of my Matthew bending down to scoop up a little baby, smile at me, and then turn and walk away.
Our sweet Luke Christopher was born in February of 2005, and he was healthy, and smiley, and affectionate. He is and was the sweetest baby ever. We thank God for him and his sweet ways every day.
We lost another baby on the Fourth of July in 2006. I bled and bled for weeks, and finally went to the doctor. The midwife told us we had been pregnant. I had been in so much pain on the 4th, and bleeding, but my mind didn't accept that it was a miscarriage until we were actually told. This time, I saw my Matthew again, holding the hand of a small child, and bending down to pick up a little baby. Smiling at me. I know they are waiting for me.
We got pregnant with our Benjamin in the middle of all of that. He was a huge blessing after a loss. Born gorgeous and healthy, with tons of black hair and a sweet little bump on the side of his little head, where his ears had moved in utero.
Two years later we got pregnant again. This time it wasn't going well. Before we even knew we were pregnant, I again miscarried. And bled, and bled. I was bleeding so much, that your dad took me to the ER. We thought they might have to do an emergency hysterectomy. Instead, they did an ultrasound. They discovered that we had been pregnant with twins, but we had miscarried one, and one sweet little seven weeker was still hanging on. I bled for several more weeks, but our Caleb hung in there. He was born via emergency C-Section on May 20th, 2009. They took him to another hospital, away from me. I spent two nights and one day - 40 hours, away from him, in full panic. I just needed to get to him. I was finally able to be with him in the NICU.  He spent several days in the NICU for meconium aspiration. But he is a healthy, happy baby, and we are so grateful for him.
We avoided getting pregnant for over two years. We were worried that I couldn't safely carry a pregnancy anymore, and we had been through so  much. Well, nature deemed that my cycles were very scattered and uneven, and hard to track. At the end of July, I took a pregnancy test, just to rule it out.  It was positive. I wasn't sure I even wanted to be pregnant. I was scared. Your dad was scared, too. But, things seemed to be going perfectly, no bleeding, I was having morning sickness, everything was happening as it was supposed to.
When we were five weeks pregnant, we found out you were twins. I was shocked, and at the same time, not at all surprised. I had had a dream about twins, and this seemed to be the fulfillment of that dream. We were monitored closely, found a doctor who would let us have a natural birth. We watched you grow, and were so thrilled that you seemed to be growing beautifully. When we saw you at 13 weeks, you were both so beautiful. George was waving at us (we called you 'Baby A') and Gabriel ('Baby B') was doing somersaults. You looked healthy and wonderful. The doctor thought we might be able to see whether you were boys or girls at the next visit.
I was starting to relax, and think maybe everything was going to be okay. You see, for some reason I had been so scared. Because we lost Caleb's twin, or just intuition, I don't know, but I couldn't picture twins. I couldn't "see" that in our future. But, that ultrasound made me think it might be okay. I prayed constantly, day and night for you. I prayed you would be healthy, and that you would both get to be born.
When we went in for the ultrasound at 16 weeks, the ultrasound tech took a very long time, measuring, searching. Your daddy seemed to know right away that something was wrong, but I took a lot longer to catch on. I didn't realize how bad it was until the tech ran out of the room to go get the doctor. When he came in, he searched, too. They couldn't find a heartbeat for either one of you. My heart started to race. I started to panic. I wanted you. I wanted you to be healthy and alive. A scream started in my heart. I haven't been able to cry that scream out yet, so this is my scream. I think I will be screaming for a very long time. I love you so much, and I want you. I feel like I can't find you and that I need to get to you. I want to hold you, and kiss your sweet faces. I feel so desperate for you. Please, please know how much I love you, want you, and need you both.
On Wednesday, October 12, we went to the hospital. I had been lead to believe that I had to have a D&C. That was breaking my heart, because I wanted better for you. I wanted you to get to be born, I wanted to hold you and see your sweet faces. God granted this prayer, because they were able to induce labor. We were in labor with you for 14 hours. You were born naturally, and I got to feel your labor, I think I needed to give birth to you, rather than have you taken from me.
They let us hold you, and we had you blessed. You were so very, very beautiful. George was born first, and just five minutes later came little Gabriel. The nurse, Julie, was very tender with you. She wrapped you both together in a blanket, and let us hold you and look at you. You were so tiny, maybe just fitting in my hand. Boys, with long legs shaped like Yebbi's. You both even looked like him, which is a comfort, because as we watch him grow, maybe we will get glimpses of what you two would have looked like. I touched your tiny hands and feet. I couldn't believe how small you were. Your daddy looked at you, and then Julie took you away to be weighed. She took pictures of you, and wrapped you in a sweet blanket. You each had your own little bunny to hold. Your hand prints are still on those bunnies. I wish I had held you longer. I wanted to bring you home with me, even though you weren't alive. It took everything in me to leave that hospital without you. As they wheeled me out, a lullaby started playing. I was holding a teddy bear, instead of my babies. I miss you so much. I feel like I am going to miss you forever, and I know I will. I miss Matthew, more right now than I have in years, and our other babies, too. I miss you all. I love you all so much, I pray that there is a God. I pray that our Blessed Mother hears me. I need her so much right now. I want her to be holding you, until I can hold you. I have had moments, not many, but a few moments when I just wanted to be with you. I don't know if that is grief, or PPD, or normal, or what. But I have my babies here, who need me, too. I hope and pray that God allows me to raise them. Pray for me, my babies. I need your prayers so much right now. I am struggling with my faith. I am struggling with the loss of you.
The only good thing to come out of all of this, is an incredible closeness I feel with your dad. He is the only person who really knows me. He is the only person I say everything to. He has held my hand every single second since this happened. He held my hand every second in the hospital. He has held me every night while I cried myself to sleep. He has been unbelievably strong, even though I know he is suffering, too. I thank God for him, he has been the only thing keeping me afloat. Him, and your brothers and sisters. Baby Yebbi, and little Ben. They have let me hold them, and hug them, and love them. I am pouring all the love I feel for you onto your brothers and sisters, because you are not here. Please know that if you were here with us, we would all be showering you with all the love you could hold. You were wanted, cherished, loved beyond measure. You still are, my sweet little boys.
Pray for me, my sons. The scream is still aching to be let loose. I am so heartbroken, and I don't know how to fix it. I am clinging to the images I have of you in my heart. I love you. Love, Momma.


  1. Oh Megan--what a beautiful rememberence of your sweet boys. May the Lord continue to balm your heart, and Mary wrap you in her mantle. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    1. Thank you. The Blessed Mother is my peace and comfort. I pray she is holding my babies until I can.


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