Wednesday, October 10, 2012


Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we lost the twins. It doesn't feel like it was a year ago already,  kind of expected my post partum depression to be twice as bad, because I was lost the twins in October, and was pregnant again by December. I am thankful that it really hasn't materialized yet. I have been weepy today, but that doesn't surprise me. I get weepy at the thought of those little boys, even a year out. It's just sort of a weird place to be. I am so, so thrilled that I have my Priscilla Grace, and and thankful for her healthy pregnancy and successful VBAC. At the same time, I think that if we had had our twins, I wouldn't even be pregnant with her. I wouldn't have her at all. Maybe not ever. I know God wasn't asking me to choose, and that I don't have to choose. I have my babies in heaven, and I have my sweet Priscilla Grace, here, in my arms.

We've never even gone to see where the boys are buried. I want to, but I kind of know that will bring on a firestorm. I just don't have the energy to deal with that. I love them, and I want to think of them as the sweet babies they are, at Christ's feet, listening to the angels sing. So, tomorrow, instead of going to the cemetary, I will take my baby over to church for a while, and buy some flowers to lay at Our Lady's feet. I'll pray that George and Gabriel are watching over us, and being our own little intercessors, and that they are happy that we have Priscilla Grace. I'll tell them how much I love them, and all our babies in heaven. We have six in heaven, what a crowd to welcome me when it is my turn. God knows perhaps, that I will need babies even in heaven.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Princess Priscilla Pants...

3 weeks
My sweet lil baby weighs 10 pounds, 2 ounces. Safe to say she is a good eater. She and I have spent the last 3.5 weeks nuzzling, eating, changing and eating some more. I always love having a new baby. It is hands down my favorite thing in the world. The smell of the sweet breath, the staring into your eyes, the way she listens and then turns towards my voice. All of it bioligically programmed to make me love her, and boy o boy does it work. My heart trips every time I hear her cry, every sound she makes. Even her diapers smell good to me - what is that? She is all warm and fuzzy and new. And I am loving every single second with her. Her dad is too, we kind of duke it out at night - who gets to sleep with her in the chair...she has a little bit of reflux and trying to lay her down just makes her spit up and spit up, poor baby. So we just hold her. It's a legit reason to just hold her every second, right? I am sure I will not regret never putting her down. Totally.

2.5 weeks...

Just a few minutes old here...
This time around, I knew it would be extra special, because I am so very thankful she made it. Losing the twins made me fearful, and losing Yeb's twin the pregnancy before, and the other losses, all started to make it seem like perhaps childbearing wasn't a good idea for me anymore. But, God knew better. He knew my heart needed this wee tiny girl. He was so, so right. And after 4 boys in a row, I was really, really ready for another girl. I am a little ashamed at the sheer glee I felt at hearing she would be a girl, and then when we saw her, all slimy and white, but definitely a girl, I was thrilled. She was so round and soft and beautiful.

I know I said I would write her birth story, and I will, but that should be a post of it's own. It's a little long, and I want to write it down when I have a little time to think. For some reason I have few real memories of the day. Just flashes and impressions for the most part, and some of it must have been in my head, because Douglas says some of the stuff that I remember didn't even happen. Nope, no drugs (until after, because I thought I heard the doc say something he didn't say). Just foggy memory.

In the meantime, I am sorry for the lack of posts - I am OLD, people. Pregnancy kicked my behind this time around. And Miss Priscilla Princess Pants likes to eat at night - as in, all night, so I am running on very little sleep. Not that that is an excuse for not posting. Maybe sleep deprived posts are better than no posts, but they should at least be coherent.

Before I go, though, I have to say that people never cease to amaze me. Here we are on Baby #10, and so many people brought meals, and gifts and sent cards. We feel so blessed. I have heard lots of moms say that people just don't bother after baby #2 or #3.  Our little Priscilla has been welcomed by so many, and we really appreciate all the love and welcome.