Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Because I like to drive myself crazy...

    Or am overtly morbid, or just like to cry, I am not sure which; I decided to take a drive through the cemetery where our little twins are buried at the  Memorial to the Unborn. It's a big, old cemetery right next to the hospital. I didn't realize quite how big it was, because I thought I could just drive right up and see the place where the hospital buried our little boys. As I drove through, I realized it was almost dusk and I wouldn't have a whole lot of time to look. I drove around and around, sure I would be able to spot the Monument to the Unborn. The place is so huge, and it was getting darker and darker, so I, being me, started to panic.

Perfectly reasonable response, right? Well, for me it is. It's sort of a learned response. When I am pregnant, I often have nightmares that I can't find my baby. When Caleb was born, they whisked him away to another hospital and I wasn't allowed to go with him. I had the same nightmare/feeling all the time I was away from him.  When we found out we had lost our twins, I had that same nightmare over and over.  It actually just stopped a couple (mostly) a couple of weeks ago. Driving through that cemetery and not finding where the babies were buried just brought all that scary/sad/traumatized feeling back. I often say I like to torture myself. I cannot imagine any other reason I had to go traipsing through a cemetery that was about to close, trying to find something when I hadn't the first clue where it might be.

 I left because I was afraid they would close the gate with me still in there. I just wanted to sit where they were for a minute. They would have been born by now. The doctor told us they would take mono/mono twins by 35 weeks - get them out where they would be safer. I just wanted to be with them for a few minutes. I know they are not really here. I know where they are, but that doesn't stop the feeling, in the middle of the night, or afternoon, or anytime, from sneaking up on me and making me feel desperate to get to them. I know I am dwelling. I don't let myself, very often. I haven't even looked at their pictures in weeks, because I don't want to cry. I just stopped. I don't want to stir it all up. But, knowing they were recently buried, and that had they lived, they would be in my arms by now...I just wound up at the cemetery on my way home one day.

Someone said something to me the other day, I can't even remember what it was now, but it made me think, "Well, if that hadn't happened, we would never have had the twins." It made me realize, that even with losing them, even with all the sadness, I am still so very grateful they were ours. Even though it was brief. Even though the Lord had other plans for them. They are a blessing. Our family was blessed by their presence. We were even blessed with their loss. A friend told me they were a different kind of blessing, and at the time, though I believed her, I didn't feel it yet. All I felt was loss. Now I feel it. They were beautiful. They were here, they are our very special intercessors in heaven, whom we ask for prayers every single night.

Thank you, Lord, for the gifts our sweet George and Gabriel. Hold them close for me, Blessed Mother, until I can hold them myself. Amen.


  1. *Hugs*
    I know exactly what you mean about torchering yourself. *sigh* Praise God from whome all blessings flow.

  2. Megan, you are so is such your gift!! and an inspiration to others! The most important and wonderful thought I believe as Christians is that God has so blessed women to procreate (and they have so abused that privilege :(...but from the moment of conception a human soul is created that will live forever and ever...and you will see those blessed babies again, absolutely; they are more alive now then any of us on earth can even imagine, in the kingdom of God. Much love!

  3. You are right, they have abused the privilege mightily - to the point where so many don't see it as a privilege, but a burden. Boggles my mind to read a mommy blog where the momma is so in love with her kids, and treasuring the moments, and then go to another woman's blog, and read about how she is grateful for abortion. I think the one grateful for abortion is denying her true nature. God built our hearts and bodies a certain way. The heartbreak comes when you deny your true self.

  4. Oh Megan, you are in my heart and prayers. I love the beauty of your realization but still feel your aching sadness.

  5. Megan what you say is SO true about reading one blog than reading another completely contrary and ungrateful :( Absolutely denying her of those sneaky sins that seems to be justified everywhere out there these are blessed and a blessing because you embrace your true femininity and mission in life as God ordained it to be for you as a woman. You go girl! :)


A blogger loves feed back, and a part time narcissist needs it! If you have a comment or question, I promise to get back to you right away, it's not like I have a houseful of kids to feed or anything!