Perfectly reasonable response, right? Well, for me it is. It's sort of a learned response. When I am pregnant, I often have nightmares that I can't find my baby. When Caleb was born, they whisked him away to another hospital and I wasn't allowed to go with him. I had the same nightmare/feeling all the time I was away from him. When we found out we had lost our twins, I had that same nightmare over and over. It actually just stopped a couple (mostly) a couple of weeks ago. Driving through that cemetery and not finding where the babies were buried just brought all that scary/sad/traumatized feeling back. I often say I like to torture myself. I cannot imagine any other reason I had to go traipsing through a cemetery that was about to close, trying to find something when I hadn't the first clue where it might be.
I left because I was afraid they would close the gate with me still in there. I just wanted to sit where they were for a minute. They would have been born by now. The doctor told us they would take mono/mono twins by 35 weeks - get them out where they would be safer. I just wanted to be with them for a few minutes. I know they are not really here. I know where they are, but that doesn't stop the feeling, in the middle of the night, or afternoon, or anytime, from sneaking up on me and making me feel desperate to get to them. I know I am dwelling. I don't let myself, very often. I haven't even looked at their pictures in weeks, because I don't want to cry. I just stopped. I don't want to stir it all up. But, knowing they were recently buried, and that had they lived, they would be in my arms by now...I just wound up at the cemetery on my way home one day.
Someone said something to me the other day, I can't even remember what it was now, but it made me think, "Well, if that hadn't happened, we would never have had the twins." It made me realize, that even with losing them, even with all the sadness, I am still so very grateful they were ours. Even though it was brief. Even though the Lord had other plans for them. They are a blessing. Our family was blessed by their presence. We were even blessed with their loss. A friend told me they were a different kind of blessing, and at the time, though I believed her, I didn't feel it yet. All I felt was loss. Now I feel it. They were beautiful. They were here, they are our very special intercessors in heaven, whom we ask for prayers every single night.
Thank you, Lord, for the gifts our sweet George and Gabriel. Hold them close for me, Blessed Mother, until I can hold them myself. Amen.