Thursday, October 20, 2011

And the World Keeps Turning

The world keeps turning. There is news, and events. People's lives keep going, and I sit here and wonder how it can be. My world is at a stand still. I don't even feel like I want it to keep turning. It doesn't make sense. I have cried and cried, but still the tears come. I don't feel normal, but I am trying to create some normal for my little ones. My poor husband has held me every night while I cried myself to sleep, and has been awakened when I cry in my sleep. I know it won't always feel like this, and that when I move through this a little, it will start to get better. But you know what my deep, dark secret is? I don't want to move through. I don't want to move through, because they were here for so short a time, and every day that passes takes me further away from them. I don't want to change my sheets, because that bed is the last place I knew they were alive, and it was the place I went to cry when I found out they were gone. I don't want or wish to be sad forever, but I feel like my sadness is the last remnant I have of them. I don't really want my body to heal, because these are the last physical connections I have to them. I know that none if this is healthy, and that some people will tell me that it will get better, or not to dwell, or whatever. Right now, I really don't care. I want them. I know, I know, they were never really mine. But you know what else? I really don't care about that either. They were mine. They were a part of me. A part of us.


  1. I know it's hard to think about but your children are still your children in a different and more beautiful place than we can are already building a family in heaven that will be there for all of you because you have been generous in accepting life here and now. It's a different kind of blessing but it's a blessing all the same. ((HUGS)) Megan! Everyone bears this sorrow with you -- we wanted what you wanted so very much too...I'd be shaking my fist at God too...and miserable....You are in my prayers, love D

  2. I am holding on to that promise, and in some moments, cannot wait for the 'someday', all the while wanting to be here, and raise the babies that are here with us. I want to see it as a blessing, but am not there yet. I will be. Thanks for everything. Love ya, Megan

  3. I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am. There is no easy way to get through this, and I'm just plain sorry. I'll keep you in my prayers.


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