A Girl, a March, and a Choice

Kenzie and Liz @ the Armory - photo by Jamie Laubacher

My third oldest daughter, Mackenzie made her first trip to Washington D.C. this week to participate in the March For Life. My Kenzie-girl is a homebody. A mama's girl, through and through. Though she is 13, nearly 14, she still has a hard time being away from me - and I think she has plenty of time to get used to the idea of being away, so I don't push it.

Praying in front of the 1st Planned Parenthood in the US

But, she wanted to make this trip. The March has always been important in our household, her older sisters have always, always been activists for Life. I am proud of them in so many ways, but their deeply held belief and understanding that life is precious is what I am most proud of, truly. Meg and Liz have talked friends out of abortions, they have protested in front of Planned Parenthood, they have done baby and maternity drives for our local Crisis Pregnancy Center,  they have Marched for Life. They walked from Denver, Colorado to Omaha, Nebraska with Crossroads, speaking at churches and youth groups along the way, and demonstrating their beliefs by praying in front of abortion clinics. And they are only 20 years old. I hope/pray/believe that it will be this generation that makes our nation see that abortion is a travesty. These kids are so full of life, and so sure that they can make the difference. I want so much to believe that they can do it.

Liz and Meg while in Denver with Crossroads

My Kenzie, a little scared and a lot nervous, boarded a bus with a bunch of strangers, a few folks from our parish, and her big sister, Elizabeth. She had told Elizabeth that she didn't need her to take care of her, that she could handle herself, but in the end, she was so happy to have her sister make sure she was staying with the group, as she kept getting pushed back away from everyone during the March. I am so proud of her, for overcoming her fear and nervousness to travel far from home, walk all day in the freezing cold, to be a voice for those who have no voice. She is brave, and strong. She made the choice to March. And someday, like her big sisters, she will talk a friend into giving her child life. She will help a mother with a crisis pregnancy. She will speak out for the unborn. She will stand in front of a 'clinic' and pray. Because it's a fight, a struggle to change the hearts of our law makers, and of those who seek to ensure that abortion -  the deliberate taking of a human life, the life of one's own child, remains legal  - and make them see what they are doing is wrong. More than wrong, I believe it is the greatest evil of our generation. They often say that the youth is the future of our nation. Never before has this been more true. I hope my children, and the millions of other young people who see abortion for what it is, fight for the overturning of Roe v. Wade. I hope they continue to March, until there is no longer a need...

This momma for life has some very interesting stats on how under reported this event is - it's staggering.

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011!

Another year gone. My kids are taller, we are older, hopefully, a year wiser. 2010 was not the perfect year, but then, I could not name a single year that was perfect. 2010 was the year our baby turned 1 year old. It was the year our oldests turned 20. It was a year of medical miracles, and of such great sadness as we watched our Nain just deteriorate due to a brain bleed. It was a year when I had to adjust to the idea that my parents are not 30 years old, and have some medical issues, and that my grandmother, whom I never realized how much I loved, is never going to be that same grandmother again. Those were hard lessons, most gave some precious insight, and thankfully, some wonderful outcomes.

2010 brought a lot of political angst, as a liberal administration rammed as much through Congress and by executive order as possible. It also held a light at the end of the tunnel for those of us who prefer things to be run in a more Conservative, constitutionalist way.

2010 also brought some marvelous successes for my husband  - he works so hard at his job and this year brought some recognition of that, and for that we are so grateful.

This little blog turned a year old this year, in October, and while I have not been able to keep up with it as I would like, it has given me a place to vent, brag, and wax poetic on whatever happened to be on my mind. Happily, more than a few people from all over the world read this little blog, and that tickles me more than a little, so I am grateful for that, too.

2010 had it's joys, like the births of two nephews, our little burrito, Petey, and Spencerific. And two little great-nieces, Bella and Brooklyn, to boot. Such beautiful babies, and though I love babies so much, when I visited their mamas in the hospital, I did NOT have an overwhelming desire to tuck them into my coat and make off with them, which is a sign, I think, that my time of having babies is done, and we are ready to move on to the next phase in life. I think I'll always be wistful over newborns, but more often than not this year, I have been grateful when I hear a baby cry, that it was not my job to do something about it. 

2010 was such a good year, in so many ways, we caught our stride with school, finally, in November and I think the decision to use an online school was the right one for us. My husband and I have been married for 15 years this year, and together for 16. We seem to have hit a new stride, too. Renewed love and gratitude for each other, as we have sadly watched a marriage or two fall apart. It's almost like a second, or third wind, and it's been lovely being in love with someone for so long. I look forward to 2011, and the 40 years or so after that, God willing.

I pray that 2011 with be as kind, and as joyful. I will never pray that trials pass us over, but that feel safe in the knowledge that God will never give us what we cannot handle. So, thank you, 2010, for your joys, and yes, even your sorrows, as the sorrows have taught me so well. Welcome, 2011, I look forward to the lessons you have in store for me.

Christmas Card Guilt

We have been receiving beautiful Christmas cards for weeks now. I have a thing about Christmas cards. I love doing them. I always have a photo taken of the kiddos just for this purpose. I get religious cards, and even buy the Madonna and Child stamps,  and get a really good pen, so that everything is "just so". I wait until the kids are in bed, and then I turn on one of the silly Lifetime Christmas movies and write out my cards. It's a ritual. It takes a few hours, and more than a few dollars, but I love staying in touch with people, even if it's only once a year.

I didn't do them this year. Between lack of time, money, and availability of children for a photo, it just wasn't going to happen. I feel guilt. Tremendous guilt. My husband didn't even blink, he thought it was just fine to not send out cards. I can't even bring myself to hang the ones we have gotten because I feel like I don't deserve them when I didn't send any out. I know that is pretty silly, since they are here and all, but the whole not sending cards thing is not sitting well with me. I don't know why I feel so much guilt over it, or the fact that I am not baking a lot this year, or that we have trimmed everything back so far that I feel like a big, fat GRINCH. The cards were simply the first thing to go, but they are such a big part of the season. I love sending them almost as much as I love getting them. So, if you sent me a card, and I didn't send you one back, please forgive me. I still love you and your family! I don't want to be rude,  and it was necessary, but still...I FEEL  SO RUDE. Ugh. Just another version of the feminine guilt we all tote around with us I suppose.

So, did you send cards out this year? If you chose not to, are you feeling the guilt I am feeling, or did you make the cut without batting an eye?

Helping Littles Understand the True Meaning of Christmas

Because we have always home schooled these little kids, I think I have assumed that they just absorb what I have actively taught my older children. This is especially true when it comes to matters of faith. Prayers that we have always said, tend to get passed from one child to the next with very little active planning on my part. They are part of our day, so they are taught repeatedly, without my ever sitting down with a child to have them memorize the prayer. This year I wanted to really impart to them what Christmas is all about. I want them to experience not just the wonder that comes from Santa and the commercial Christmas season, but the hope, expectation, delight and love that comes from the real Christmas story. I wanted them to think of angels and stars, and of the Savior born in Bethlehem. I want them to think of the little drummer boy, who had no gift to give, and so he played his drum for Him.

So this year we have started a new tradition. For each "little" goodness or kind act the children perform, they will get a bright star to hang, with the goodness written on it. These stars will be displayed all through Advent, and will be their gift to the Savior on His birthday.

My sister started this with her kids this year, and my Kolbe loved it so much that he wanted to do it, too. So far, he has offered the most stars for Jesus' birthday. Even my wee small Benji has taken to doing small jobs or sharing his toys with Yeb to be able to hang another star. I'm not sure he understands it all, but he does understand that you have to do a goodness to get a star. He'll even tell you that all the stars are for Jesus' birthday.

My sweet Jenna, always one to offer to help, or do  a job without being told, should have far more stars up there. I need to watch her for a few days, and surprise her with the stars, even when she doesn't ask for them to be displayed. She knows that God knows what is in her heart, so I think she doesn't need to see them up there, but will be pleased that I noticed how much she really does for others.

We're just getting started with this new tradition, but I already see that it has changed how the kids look at Christmas. Kolbe asked me today how many more days there were until Christmas. A typical question. I saw him counting the days on the calendar, and heard him tell Luke that he thinks he can get a bunch more stars for Jesus with the time left. He is so excited! Jonah wants to try and beat him, because it has to be a competition, you know. Until he finds his DSi. Ah, they are all so different, and so dear, in their own ways. My baby is just old enough to rip the stars down, and the ornaments off the trees, but he is precious in God's eyes, and in mine. I can't wait to see what he makes of Christmas morning!

It's Christmastime...

We wrote and mailed our Santa letters, and my small ones were so thrilled when Santa wrote back, himself, on special Santa stationery, postmarked at the North Pole. This delighted our 8 year old, Kolbe, who being homeschooled, still believes, but, being 8, has started to question. These lovely letters and a special video from the Portable North Pole TV really lit up his imagination and the twinkle in his eyes, and that special belief is still alive in his heart. Even our 10 year old, Jenna still believes so fully that she sent her Santa letter without even telling me what was in it. Thankfully, a helpful elf alerted me to what she had asked for, and so she will not be disappointed Christmas morning.

But, it's Christmas, and with it comes the flurry of activity that  makes every day tasks seem burdensome. All I want to do is bake and make candy and ornaments and paint stuff with my kids. I don't want to do school, or work, or anything I am supposed to do, and I imagine most other people are feeling the same way. I want to stop and savor the wonder. I want to watch my little Luke get up and look for snow every morning and clap and jump up and down when he spots a few flakes fluttering to the ground.


I want to watch Jonah and Kolbe drag out all the snow gear and help their brothers layer it all on so they can go outside and roll around in the 6 or so inches of snow that are out there, just because it is so darn exciting that it's that time of year again. My kids are snow babies, rather than water babies. They will be outside everyday, playing in whatever form of precipitation God offers them from now until it hits 75 degrees again. Then they will tell me it's too hot to go outside.

I want to shop and wrap and plan the perfect gifts. It'll soon be time when I have to do those things, but for now, we have to buckle down, do school, get our work done, keep the house straight, and wait anxiously for the two delicious weeks when we don't have to do a lick of school, and my husband and I will both be off work for a little while. We can bake with the cousins and chat with old friends. Revel in the joy of time well spent doing nothing whatsoever.

The Ordinary Days...

It's been a while since I've posted. I'm not really sure why. Life gets busy, I guess, and I have not really had time to let my usually overly flowery thoughts roll through my brain. School has been overwhelming, been doing some other things that take up my time. And for some reason, I just don't seem to be in a writing mode. Even regular writing that I do for work, or whatever is taking me more time - I don't really know why. Writer's block? I don't know that I write often enough to develop writer's block, but I just don't seem to be able to generate any interesting or new thoughts on anything.

So, since it has been so long, I'll just fill you in on what's been happening around here instead. I am not really one who wants to write a whole blog post about the daily happenings, I tend to think that is what Facebook and Twitter are for, and I generally use those outlets pretty regularly. We've been doing school (religiously - which is new for us), getting our Kolbe ready to make his First Reconciliation and First Holy Communion,  Mackenzie is studying and preparing to be Confirmed in the Spring.

All the Jeffery Girl Cousins

We hosted Thanksgiving this year for Doug's side of the family. Thanksgiving was truly a lovely day, so much family gathered around, happy and healthy and so, so blessed. There are many children on both sides of our family, and I feel so thankful that our families truly embrace the gift of children and cherish each and every one. We have great-nieces now, five of them, to be exact. I remember when the nieces were just young girls themselves. Now they are grown, beautiful wives and mothers.

We also had dinner at my parents' house later, surrounded by the 18 children, 2 teenagers. We had lots of food, fun, and the company of my brother and sisters and their spouses just makes everything perfect. I am lucky that my siblings all married wonderful people. You always hear how so many families don't get along and have a hard time over the holidays. I am so thankful that we are blessed with a mostly harmonious family. Everyone squabbles from time to time, but we all truly love each other. It's always fun to be together - and our kids are growing up feeling like extra-special siblings rather that cousins who don't get to see much of each other. Another thing to be thankful for!

My sister's new baby, Spencer, was baptized on Saturday, so we went to Mass and then a big dinner for little Spencer right afterward, with most of the cousins switching houses and spending the night with cousins. So much fun! We finished the weekend off by making homemade pizza and decorating our tree and getting the rest of the house ready for Christmas. The girls were home, and I was grateful for one more year when we had all of the kids under one roof for this ritual. I have to admit that I hate the thought that they won't always be here to help us decorate the tree, so, in an effort to make sure we always have this special day, we have told them that we will always put up the tree the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and when they are married, that will be OUR Thanksgiving. We'll do the turkey, and put up the tree. That way they don't have to feel pressured to be ONE MORE place on Thanksgiving, and we are creating our own tradition. With nine children, I think we are going to have to create some of our own holidays in order to have all of our children in the same place at the same time. We can't expect nine families to do that on the regular holidays. I hope this takes the pressure off them and makes them want to come celebrate with us. We plan to do the same thing with Christmas. I hope one of them will let us come watch their babies open presents Christmas morning!

So, that is my update, I hope to have something interesting to offer soon, I feel so scattered, I can't collect my thoughts into a cohesive post! I hope you are all having a Blessed Advent season!

Old Love, New Love

Reading the title, you might think I was talking about a first love, an old flame. I am in a way. Today was my husband and my 15th wedding anniversary. We've been through a lot together. Not as much as some, not as easy as others.

Okay, so I was going to start off this post as another of my mushy, love laden posts, because, you know, I am just corny like that. But then I saw a post on a picture from my reception from my niece that made me remember something from that day, and I decided I'd rather get it all down, what memories I have left of it, because I never have and you know, I like to have a record of these things.
If you know me at all, you know that throwing parties, any kind of event where I am in charge and want people to have fun, I sort of wig out a little. Just a little. Anything that goes wrong sends me into a frenzy of panic. It's not pretty. I pretty much lose it, and ya know - that's just a good time for everyone, right?

So, to start off my wedding day, it was raining. That wasn't too horrible, as my grandmother pointed out to me that rain on your wedding day was good luck (she's Welsh). My sisters and I had an appointment to go and get our hair done. As I was getting some long, loose curls put into my hair, I look over and see that my sister, Dana, who had beautiful, long, blond hair at the time, was sitting in a chair. She had a bun in her hair. On TOP on her head. On top of the bun on the top of her head was ANOTHER BUN! I was under the impression she was just going to get a partial up-do, and let most of that beautiful, curly blond hair hang down. What she had was a bee's nest, people. A BEE's NEST, like from 1960. For my wedding. Then, I look to the other chair, where my other very beautiful sister with long blond hair sat, her hair all twisted up in the BIGGEST. FATTEST. French twist ever. It was less horrible than Boo's hair, but still horrible enough to leave me dismayed. My cool head went a little south, but I was okay. I hated the hair, but I couldn't do much at that point.

Exhibit A - The Ugly Hair

After hair we went to the church to get dressed. We were shown into a little preschool area with a little bathroom. We had the little girls ( Meg and Liz) get dressed, and they sat down so we could curl their hair. As I am curling away, my sisters make some startling realizations. 1. They had forgotten the pins I had given them to wear with their dresses - (it was all about a look, in my head), and my sister, Stacy had forgotten PANTY HOSE! Or she bought kids hose, or something. In any case she didn't have any. My sanity level shifted a little lower. 

Then the lady who did our flowers showed up with them. This lady was my soon to be husband's ex-sister-in-law. Needless to say, I was never crazy about having her do our flowers, but he really seemed to want her to, and she was cheap, and at that point I was all about wanting to be nice, and pretend I was okay with the whole ex's, divorce, blended family thing. So, the flowers. They were not great. They didn't even seem all that special to me. I had made my headpiece, and I LOVED it. I wished I had just done all of them, I am sure I would have been a lot happier. I asked for flowers that matched my bridesmaids dresses. Mostly lilies and other more exotic flowers, and I got carnations and roses. Uck. My sanity level sunk a little more. I was starting to panic. Plus the ex-sister-in-law was still there, curling Elizabeth's hair and commenting that she and Doug's ex-wife didn't know why she hadn't been invited so that she could watch Elizabeth be a flower girl. The idea of her being there made my nerves do a little not happy dance, and my stomach started to churn.

Soon, it was time for the ceremony to start, and the best man had yet to arrive. He was flying in and his plane had been delayed and he was going to be an HOUR LATE! I wanted to just have someone else stand in, but my Douglas wanted to wait for him. This conversation was carried out by other people running back and forth, giving us messages, because, you know, the groom was not to see the bride before the wedding! My level of comfort was at an all time low, when I hear the singer we hired start to sing the last song she was supposed to sing before the wedding started. No one gave her the memo on the best man. So, the poor girl sang. She sang and sang and sang. THE SAME SONG. No one thought to run up there and tell her to take 5. I could hear her singing all the way in the basement. I started to see stars. It was bad. So bad. If you look at my wedding photos, I do NOT look happy. It's because I was ready to KILL! I was 10 seconds shy of going psycho on everyone in sight when someone came down and said they were ready. Man, I had the hardest time conjuring up a smile.

I remember my dad walking me down the isle. He didn't look any happier than I did. I was worried that he didn't want me to marry Doug. I would later find out that he would NEVER be happy when giving one of his girls away. It was the end of an era, each time, and it was bittersweet.

I'd love to say that all my angst washed away as I walked down the isle, but my nerves were shot. I just wanted to get it over with by then. The girls were supposed to sit down with their grandmothers after they walked down the isle, but they pretty much bounced back and forth the whole time. When we went to light the unity candle, we hadn't planned what we were going to do while the soloist sang the song we had chosen for the moment. Silly, really. We had like, a 20 second thing to do, but we made her sing a 3 minute song. So, we stood up there, with nothing to do, for like 2 minutes and 40 seconds. Like a couple of dopes. We kept kissing, every few seconds, because we were standing there in front of all those people, all watching us. I couldn't just stand there. IT. WAS. AWKWARD! and people mentioned it all night long. I am pretty sure that's what they remember most. Uck.

In the end, it wasn't about the things that went wrong, like the fact that the best man wore a suit bought at Goodwill 20 minutes before the ceremony for $4 (so glad I did not know that at the time!), or my sisters' ugly hair, or that one of the groomsmen wore a tuxedo shirt, or even that my husband's ex-wife's sister made ugly flowers for my wedding, it was about the fact that we had found each other. It was that truly, God had found us for each other. See, I finally got to the mushy part.

The next few years were long in some ways, blending a family is about the hardest thing. I never knew how hard. It took a good five years to feel "blended", and even then issues would arise from time to time. In the mean time we lived. We loved. We had a bunch of babies. We were broke. We made some good decisions and some bad ones. We moved. We had more babies. We had more money, but somehow, always still broke! But, I wouldn't have wanted to do this with anyone else. He is the other half of my heart, and lots of times, he is more than half my heart, because I am just to tired to do my share, so he does it for both of us. I hope I have done that for him, too. We've learned each others moods and habits, and we put up with each other in spite of them. We are blessed with really good chemistry (thus all the babies!), and for some reason, Doug always smells REALLY, REALLY good. I think that is just God's way of reminding me why I like him so much, during the times when I need some reminding. I think we know that we aren't always going to be head over heels, but we will always come back around to feeling that way again. And when it does, look out!

To my Douglas, who never reads my blog, but still. I love you. I have since the second time we met! Thanks for being everything; my very best friend (he knows ALL my secrets, everything, for reals), my partner in crime and baby making, the dad to all the beautiful tornadoes, my retirement plan, and my heart. Thanks for putting up with me, and my sloppiness, and my blog, and my love of the internet, and shopping, and all the other stuff I do that makes you nuts. Thank you for giving my children dimples. I love you the most in the world. Happy Anniversary!