Oh my. This is a sensitive topic. My husband and I are really just entering this phase. Two adult children, one moving out soon, and one who has just moved home from college until she graduates and gets a job and then who knows? I never expected to be the bill Cosby parent who couldn't wait until the adult children moved out, but I am SOOOO there. They need to git, already. Partially because it's just time, and partly because they drive me nutso... so, I have to ask, if you have adult children living at home, what are your expectations? What are the "rules"? I'll lay out what I think is appropriate, but please, I am looking for some guidance.
I also have to add in that I have a sort of anxiety thing when they come home. It takes me weeks to acclimate to them being here. I don't particularly care for the disruption of my routine, from the bathroom time to making dinner. I just don't. Once they go, I really would rather they just stay gone. I know that sounds harsh, but having to readjust everything every few months really doesn't work for me, so I end up on edge, all grouchy and irritable, and I REALLY DISLIKE being grouchy and irritable. I don't like feeling like I being unreasonable, though to a certain extent, I know I am.
So, to lessen my anxiety, and just to instill some common courtesy, there are a few rules I think they should obey:
1. Always let me know if you are going to be home for dinner. It's just the courteous thing to do. It helps me plan. It also gives me a "warning" so I can be prepared for your arrival.
2. If you are home for a meal, pitch in and help prepare and clean up. Seriously, you are adults eating for free. Help out!
3. If you are home for a meal, and I am not, PITCH IN AND HELP! Don't leave everything to the younger kids.
4. You use sheets and towels, right? If so, please throw a load in once a week or so. On top of washing all your own laundry, of course. And, if you don't have enough to make a load, throw some of the regular wash in, just to be nice.
5. Don't come in here after you've been gone for months and demand your spot back, or try to tell the younger kids anything. You haven't been home, you lost your spot, and you don't really know how things currently work. If you mess with the kids, I am probably gonna side with them, because you don't know what you're talking about anymore.
6. Don't sit. Just don't. If you want down time in a household of this many, go find it someplace else. If you sit, you will make me angry. I might have visions of you working in some sort of prison encampment chopping wood or busting up rock with sledge hammers, and I will continue to boil until you leave or find something to do. If you are home, be busy, find something to do. Even if it is reading a book to a small person or pretending to clean your room.
7. CLEAN YOUR ROOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!! You are too old to live in a mess. Wash your clothes and put them away, CHANGE YOUR SHEETS! Dust, sweep, generally restore order.
There are also a few requirements to living at home:
1. If you are currently enrolled full time in school, then you must have a part time job, at a minimum.
2. If it is summer you must have at LEAST a FULL time job or jobs. Whatever has you busy and earning as much cash as possible.
3. Once you graduate, if you still want to live at home, you must be employed a minimum of FULL time, and you must pay rent, to be determined when/if that day ever comes.
So, Mommas, what do you think? Is this reasonable? Is it enough? Too much? My brother would say it is not nearly tough enough, while I suspect my husband would be fine with all the kids living with us forever. I think I would deal with the comings and goings much better if these were adhered to, which right now, they are not. One kid does talk to me, letting me know what's up most of the time, and she does pitch in with dishes when she is home, and even does some driving for me, so that I don't have to go out late on Monday nights. I do know when she will be home for dinner, she just communicates with me on a regular basis. The other kid doesn't tell me anything. Comes and goes at will, and never lets me know. She has ocassionally helped with dishes. Perhaps three times in the three weeks since she has been home.. not sufficient. So, it is a work in progress. I get angry, because I honestly don't think most of this should need to be said. They should just know. If you are going to be home for dinner, let me know. If you are here, help with prep and clean up. We don't ask for much... and I should think that a little common courtesy isn't too much to ask. So....let me know your thoughts! How have you handled these issues?
I also have to add in that I have a sort of anxiety thing when they come home. It takes me weeks to acclimate to them being here. I don't particularly care for the disruption of my routine, from the bathroom time to making dinner. I just don't. Once they go, I really would rather they just stay gone. I know that sounds harsh, but having to readjust everything every few months really doesn't work for me, so I end up on edge, all grouchy and irritable, and I REALLY DISLIKE being grouchy and irritable. I don't like feeling like I being unreasonable, though to a certain extent, I know I am.
So, to lessen my anxiety, and just to instill some common courtesy, there are a few rules I think they should obey:
1. Always let me know if you are going to be home for dinner. It's just the courteous thing to do. It helps me plan. It also gives me a "warning" so I can be prepared for your arrival.
2. If you are home for a meal, pitch in and help prepare and clean up. Seriously, you are adults eating for free. Help out!
3. If you are home for a meal, and I am not, PITCH IN AND HELP! Don't leave everything to the younger kids.
4. You use sheets and towels, right? If so, please throw a load in once a week or so. On top of washing all your own laundry, of course. And, if you don't have enough to make a load, throw some of the regular wash in, just to be nice.
5. Don't come in here after you've been gone for months and demand your spot back, or try to tell the younger kids anything. You haven't been home, you lost your spot, and you don't really know how things currently work. If you mess with the kids, I am probably gonna side with them, because you don't know what you're talking about anymore.
6. Don't sit. Just don't. If you want down time in a household of this many, go find it someplace else. If you sit, you will make me angry. I might have visions of you working in some sort of prison encampment chopping wood or busting up rock with sledge hammers, and I will continue to boil until you leave or find something to do. If you are home, be busy, find something to do. Even if it is reading a book to a small person or pretending to clean your room.
7. CLEAN YOUR ROOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!! You are too old to live in a mess. Wash your clothes and put them away, CHANGE YOUR SHEETS! Dust, sweep, generally restore order.
There are also a few requirements to living at home:
1. If you are currently enrolled full time in school, then you must have a part time job, at a minimum.
2. If it is summer you must have at LEAST a FULL time job or jobs. Whatever has you busy and earning as much cash as possible.
3. Once you graduate, if you still want to live at home, you must be employed a minimum of FULL time, and you must pay rent, to be determined when/if that day ever comes.
So, Mommas, what do you think? Is this reasonable? Is it enough? Too much? My brother would say it is not nearly tough enough, while I suspect my husband would be fine with all the kids living with us forever. I think I would deal with the comings and goings much better if these were adhered to, which right now, they are not. One kid does talk to me, letting me know what's up most of the time, and she does pitch in with dishes when she is home, and even does some driving for me, so that I don't have to go out late on Monday nights. I do know when she will be home for dinner, she just communicates with me on a regular basis. The other kid doesn't tell me anything. Comes and goes at will, and never lets me know. She has ocassionally helped with dishes. Perhaps three times in the three weeks since she has been home.. not sufficient. So, it is a work in progress. I get angry, because I honestly don't think most of this should need to be said. They should just know. If you are going to be home for dinner, let me know. If you are here, help with prep and clean up. We don't ask for much... and I should think that a little common courtesy isn't too much to ask. So....let me know your thoughts! How have you handled these issues?
:o) Good luck. I have so much to say i could write a blog about it...oh wait, I did, several!! Our situation is different than most families, but I still think the only solution is 45 and older communities...watermere, here we come, you know, in about 18 years!! again, good luck!!
ReplyDeleteIf you have suggestions, I would love to hear them, or specific posts, please, link them up!
Delete:) no advise...I am just so glad I finally checked out your blog! I just signed up to all you social media, I think!! I won't post any of my horror story blogs; I think that is a case of spoiling our older children and now it has come back to bite us, er, live with us. I do have a little comment, though, about girls. I am changing my stance on girls, and I really want them to live home longer...even if they want to go away to college. There is so much bad and I would love for them, especially, to live at home until they are married. Really, I don't want the boys to move out either, but respect is the only way, and we are having some difficulty with that. I love your rules. I always thought that I wouldn't collect rent from my older children, but I think I would bank it for them as home down payments when they are older. Or to pay for repairs...sigh. my blog if you want to read my sad story...http://hollydaze-holly.blogspot.com
DeleteGod bless...
Okay, so you and Denise are starting to make me feel guilty! Can you tell me why you want them to stay home until marriage? I have recently begun to feel envious of my 21 year old - she is moving out into a house with another girl (friend bought the house as an investment). I never did that. I lived with my parents until I got married at 24. I sometimes regret that I never had any fun - even good, clean fun. I never decorated an apartment with a girlfriend, I never sat up all night talking with friends, I never did any of that stuff. I am actually thrilled that she gets an opportunity to just be "Meg" before she has to be "wife" or "mom". I never, ever had that. I'm glad she gets a shot at it.
DeleteWell, I am not the person expressing guidance here at all, I will be interested in hearing others' thoughts as well..we are in this area too...but we have always said our kids are welcome to live with us indefinitely. Both my parents and my husband's parents felt the same. Pete was 27 and still lived at home until he bought his own house. One of his four brothers was 40, (and got married and moved out). I was out at 21, but later returned briefly from ages 23-25. So, coming from that experience, we feel that no matter the age they are our children and are always welcome - who knows what God's plans are for them? In many ways it is tied to vocation. They may be the one meant to stay on with mom and dad and care for them later in life, we just don't know. However, there is MUCH to be said about contributing to the household duties for sure! Much of the early young adult "flop house" mentality runs amok among young people. I think they grow very overly comfortable and lax in their home behaviors; no matter the age they need to learn and grow in knowing that they need to be helping out. In many ways that should be a given. Family life - home life, is the learning experience to later make a home and act responsibly caring for it. You have many more bodies in your home than I do, and that might contribute more to the feeling of more needs to be done - there's more tending to laundry and food and with expecting another baby, you might feel even more urgent about these matters and rightly so ....as you see the children become big people that "should be" more responsible and knowing , you might feel resentful they aren't seemingly more responsible, courteous, helping out, and just suddenly "appearing" again....they are "big" physically and have aged, (22 ..the oldest?)...BUT this doesn't mean they "get it" or are anywhere near mature for that bigness and aging. Really in many ways, they are still so young. I see it in mine all the time and think to myself..they have a long ways to go! (cont'd next post)
ReplyDeleteLike I said, I never expected to have the whole Bill Cosby "GET OUT, GET OUT NOW!"attitude, but right now that's how I feel. I do think a lot of it has to do with lack of responsibility. When I was their age, I had been working a minimum of 40 hours a week, plus school. Yes, I had Meg, but my brothers and sisters did the same. We WORKED and went to school. We helped out at home. We weren't idle. It is for sure the idle that drives me nutso. And the school thing is just an excuse. If I could do it, and go to school full time, and raise a child, they certainly can do some housework and hold down a part time job. Honestly, I won't be able to stand them being here if the lazy continues, and they are just tooo old to not get it. 21 and 22? They have friends in the military. Friends married. Friends who have children. GRow up! If they were behaving as adults, it wouldn't bother me so much, but when they add to what has to be done here, rather than pitch in, it gets very old, very fast.
DeleteI can see the whole "they are welcome to stay forever" viewpoint, to a certain extent, but right now, I am so not willing to offer that, right now I want a timeline on them getting out. I can't handle the stress that comes from watching sitting, or the added work of kids being home and not helping out or the other kids complaining that they don't help. 30 years ago, 21 was a grown up. Honestly, I don't think we should baby them. They need to get a swift kick in the pants.
(con't!!!) One thing my older kids learned a long time ago though, was that if they didn't do their own laundry, they didn't have clothes to wear. I just stopped doing it. I wasn't mean about it, but because I honestly had such a full plate of home duties/home schooling, etc, and little children at the time, it was near impossible for me as one person, processing six people's laundry duties, and I gave them many heads-up and training with the washer and dryer, and I had to sleep at some, ya know! I think your grievances are legit, and maybe you can come up with a reasonable small list first...to be tackled. And be gentle, sensible and honest about what the EXPECTATIONS are while they are home. Really, I'd rather have my older kids at home longer(even when slacking), but still preparing for life, in a Catholic atmosphere as much as possible, and really ready to leave the nest when it's their time if God so deems. I try not to let the secular view infiltrate the "grown up- move out" model that is out there now. I think it's character building for us as mothers to parent and also not-parent older kids. I want them to have the strongest character and morals before they really strike out on their own. But, as with college aged ones, I think with them living away and being somewhat independent already, then moving home, on and on...does cause a stressful transition for the home. You are in a groove for 8 months then suddenly they are in it. I know other moms that feel the same way..that transition of accommodating another body in the allotted space again..And if that body isn't a helper, they unfortunately seem a burden. But the worst feeling for a young adult is to not feel welcome in their home. So we must be careful and thoughtful about how we approach it. While you struggle with accommodations for them, and laying down expectations, pray pray pray, for patience and work out a solid plan..that maybe starts with a meeting and then a short list expected duties first... OK, nuff said :) Don't want to take up the whole blog!!! lol...xoxox
ReplyDeleteYou are just much nicer than I am, I'm afraid :) - I right now, am done. Honestly I feel like it is just extended childhood at this point. I know other cultures all live with each other, but I don't think I am cut out for constant upheaval this causes. Iknow some parents roll with it. I know I am being a bit pushy, but it's time. I don't want them to feel unwelcome here, but like any good visitor, when it is time to go, GO! They feel like visitors who are nosey and lazy to me. Sticking their noses in where it is not needed or wanted, but not pulling their own weight.
DeleteThey do do their own laundry - no way am I doing that, but they don't help beyond that. Kenzie is much better about just telling whomever is here what the next thing is. I get mad because it shouldn't have to be said. Meg I can yell at, but if I try that with Liz, I get a blank stare and no action/reaction. But really, what do people with adult children do? It's not like Doug will kick them out, so how do I get them to do what is needed? I think I have enough to deal with without having to retrain them all the things I taught them before they left. It's like they think they are exempt. Except for butting in and trying to parent children and stick noses in. AHHHHH! So frustrated.
From Suzy - she couldn't get the comment form to work:
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I can't figure out how to post on your blog - you need a backbone! I could cook for 25 & take care of several kids by high school. I was a pampered princess & realized it. I fully know I should have done more as in getting real jobs during college. I cooked ,cleaned & worked after college.I didn't pay rent but I did my part. The fact that your girls don't hop in & just clean every nook of your house as a regular normal weekly thing make me mad. You do everything for them - you give 110% and always have. They need to appreciate you. Keeping a room clean - seroiusly ? we aren't talking 9year olds. They are old enough to have children - you aren't doing them any favors. I don't want to come off as bitchy & mean but they should be able to let you & doug go away for a week & the home run smoothly. I bet they do more for people they babysit than they do at home. your not the super 8 motel - your a family - send them to live with me!
Yes, I think it's a new era too, maybe some bad, maybe some good...in that many young people are in college for those typical 4 yrs and just stay put where they are in their family because of finances, for one, focus on college first, then job hunt and then on getting more situated on their own - but have the stability of family to help them through those stages. Everyone is different, including what parents will tolerate and how well formed a young person's value system is and how responsible independently they will be once they leave their family home. Again, I think it's a God call on much of this. em There's nothing wrong with nudging (or kicking :) the along in the right direction. But of course they should be contributing to the household in a positive way while they are there. You have your hands full Megan, and really the last thing you need is extra work :( No way. I think you are at a place in your life where you are feeling the brunt of it for sure right now. I don't blame you or judge you for feeling how you do at all -- there's nothing wrong with it at all either -- Some people might very well need a swift kick in the rear to get their rears in gear and get moving on with life. We don't know what God is doing and how he's working, he could be working with in you right now so that you will do exactly that, kick butt! LOL
ReplyDeleteI know all this makes me feel mean and grouchy, and I really don't like that. However, I do think there is a think line between being charitable, and being a doormat. Right now, I am feeling like a doormat. People this old know better, but are refusing to do better.
ReplyDeleteMeg - I agree that they need to step up their game. I was working part time during the school year and going to school full time and working 60 hours a week in the summer at their age. I liked working - I liked having money. I admit I wasn't much help at home, but I wasn't there much either. I can also see you getting frustrated with the example that they are setting for the younger kids - they should be the first ones up to help out without being asked. When Meg is here she helps out with meals and dishes, I can't imagine why she doesn't help out at home.
ReplyDeleteReagan is 8 and she does almost all of the dishes, vacuums, delivers laundry, helps out with Spencer and pretty much does anything I ask her to do (except clean toilets, I haven't been able to talk her into that yet). Your girls are adults - I can't imagine that they would sit around and watch the pregnant lady do all of the work, it would drive me batty!
yes.my doughtier had to take one summer class last yr so she could graduate...I wanted her to do chores she wanted to party...but I felt like I could not yell at her like a young child b/c she really was an adult...lots of long talks and lots and lots of prayers..things worked out...she realized she didn't want to stay home and was so motivated to be on her own she hustled like crazy and got a great job and roommates too!!
ReplyDeletehang in there!!
Thanks, my sister and I did have a long talk with the 21 year old, and now she has a plan. She has been applying for jobs like crazy, but jobs are still hard to find in the hours she has available. She is in beauty school, which is 40+ hours a week, so she has nights and parts of weekends, as some Saturdays she has to be at school. It is hard, but I think she has a plan now! The other one, she is my step daughter, and she doesn't "hear" me, if you know what I mean. If I talk to her, I get a blank stare. My husband has been trying to talk her into a job or something for years. She does work - about 8 hours a week, maybe 10 some weeks. I think she should be working at least full time in the summer! And helping out around the house. It's Friday, I bet she doesn't have to be anywhere today, and sits all day long. I will go nuts if she does. Don't SIT!
DeleteAunt Megan, those are pretty much the exact guidelines I have to follow. Except the dish clean up, unfortunently I am allergic to dish soap, but Mom and I decided if I do the trash and recycling every week it is a fair trade.
ReplyDeleteI think that those are fair guidelines completely. I also think some of them should go without having to be said.
Thanks, Kimmie.
DeleteMaybe we can get some of the larger people around here to get on board. I just think they should do their part. Hope you are having a great summer!
Thanks Aunt Megan. Hopefully i will be able to come down and see everyone this summer. It will be rough though I work sunday at noon to saturday at noon.
DeleteI hope you have a wonderful summer as well!