I still cry during Mass. I just do. I have always been emotional about Mass, but ever since we lost the babies, it has been so much ...more. This week, as I was preparing to go to communion, I was just thinking about them, about how they are now at the feet of Jesus, and I am grateful for that, and even happy for them. As I approached the altar, and looked our Deacon (transitional deacon who will be ordained - yay! - in two weeks) in the eyes, and he offered the host to me, I locked eyes with him, and started to shake. He clearly saw this, and raised the host closer, so I could take it on my tongue. I went to the cup and accepted it with shaking hands, handing it carefully back.
As I made my way back into the pew, tugging my Benjamin gently behind me, I knelt and covered my eyes, as I always do. I miss so much of Mass sometimes, tending to runny noses or noisy boys, but I always take those moments after communion to just be there, present, and offer up my Mass and communion. As soon as I covered my eyes, I started to cry. I wasn't even really sure why. I was happy. My girls shot looks over at me, and I tried to swipe away the tears, but they just kept coming. I have been wondering why my reaction to communion was so strong.
I think it finally just came to me. I always react strongly to going to communion, but now, I knew in my heart that my babies were with this Christ, and that, in meeting Him in communion, I was sharing a bit of what they got to experience all the time. These perfect, sinless, precious children got to sit at His feet. And I don't feel worthy of that...not at all. But, every time I go, I get a bit of that. I get to sit with Him for that moment in time. And I get to share in something my little ones who have gone before me get to experience all the time. To be the mother of such children is an honor. I have saints in heaven. I have children in the presence of Our Lord. We are blessed.
As I made my way back into the pew, tugging my Benjamin gently behind me, I knelt and covered my eyes, as I always do. I miss so much of Mass sometimes, tending to runny noses or noisy boys, but I always take those moments after communion to just be there, present, and offer up my Mass and communion. As soon as I covered my eyes, I started to cry. I wasn't even really sure why. I was happy. My girls shot looks over at me, and I tried to swipe away the tears, but they just kept coming. I have been wondering why my reaction to communion was so strong.
I think it finally just came to me. I always react strongly to going to communion, but now, I knew in my heart that my babies were with this Christ, and that, in meeting Him in communion, I was sharing a bit of what they got to experience all the time. These perfect, sinless, precious children got to sit at His feet. And I don't feel worthy of that...not at all. But, every time I go, I get a bit of that. I get to sit with Him for that moment in time. And I get to share in something my little ones who have gone before me get to experience all the time. To be the mother of such children is an honor. I have saints in heaven. I have children in the presence of Our Lord. We are blessed.
Those babies, all your babies, are with you there in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass!.isn't that the most wonderful and awe inspiring gift - our communion of saints...God has blessed you with the gift of tears and deepened your faith so much over the last several months; and like a good daughter of Our Lord, you are so faithful and patient in following Him. May God continue to bless you and your growing family, because you and your family's very presence at Mass blesses everyone. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteYou made me cry - and said in one paragraph what I couldn't seem to get out in three. <3
ReplyDeleteOh this made the tears flow, Megan. Thank you for this perspective!
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post. During mass I am usually so distracted with my little ones -- making sure none of my boys are poking their brother in the back of the neck, making sure everyone is being reverent and not snickering, making sure no one is joking around or squeezing each other's hands too tightly during the Lord's Prayer -- that I don't often experience mass the way it's intended.
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