Finding Some Thankful...

Being thankful has been a little bit of a challenge for me lately, and that's not usually how I operate. I usually am steeped in gratitude for all I have, especially the short people I trip over constantly while trying to accomplish any given task. I hold them in my arms and whisper prayers of thanksgiving. My heart is usually full. Gratitude comes easily to someone who has had sick babies live and near disasters averted.

Then this happened. When we were going through it, I was heartbroken, but found small things to be thankful for. Like our parish priest dropping whatever he was doing the day we found out to come to our home to give us and our dead, unborn babies a blessing. Like the fact that we were able to deliver in a hospital that was very respectful of our grief, and of our sweet boys. And the nurses who gave us magnificent care. And Sister Kathleen who came to see us three times during our hospital stay to pray with us, and finally, to give our babies a final blessing.

I was grateful that my mother and father-in-law made sure our kids at home had a hot, grandma prepared meal. I was grateful that my sister had come to stay with them, so that they would have a grown up telling them that everything was going to be okay, dole out hugs, and provide some cheer. I was so very, very grateful that everyone heeded our request to go through the labor and delivery of our babies alone. We were able to sit in the quiet, hold hands, cry, pray, and let sleep come when it would. We didn't have to pretend for anyone, that we were okay. For that, I was especially grateful. I was grateful that my mother prayed for me, and reminded me that Our Blessed Mother is right here, always praying for me, when I wouldn't pray myself. I have been very grateful for the words of other mothers who have been through this. Your words have reminded me, blessed me, and helped me in so many ways.

It was after we got home, when I had time to think, that the anger over it all set in. I was so, so angry. I had prayed, and prayed, and prayed for the safety and health of my babies. I felt betrayed, sad, confused. You see, God has so rarely ever answered my prayers with 'no'. I have had babies, lots of 'em. Prayers answered. I have had sick babies get well. More prayers answered. I prayed for these little babies for weeks and weeks. I was so scared something was wrong. Maybe that was God preparing my heart, just a little, for what was to come.

It's hard being mad at God. I'm not as religious as some, and more religious than others, but I consider myself a woman of faith. I thought my faith was deep, and abiding, and would accept whatever God had in store for me. I never expected to feel anger towards Him. I was shocked at myself, and the level of my anger. I begged Him to understand - all the while knowing that He did. He knows my heart. He knows it so well, that He knew how angry I would be before I did. Perhaps that's why I had this sort of intuition that things were not going to go well.

I am finding my way back. Little by little, I am less angry...less questioning. I am starting to accept that He creates for His kingdom. His ways are not the ways of man. (Sound familiar? I have been constantly repeating this to myself...it helps.)Some of you Catholic mamas will be shocked at this...but I haven't been back to Mass since this all happened. I have found legitimate excuses. But they are still excuses. My husband and I stopped at our local Catholic bookstore the other day, and with it's quiet music, religious items everywhere, well, I just wanted to cry, standing there. I made my purchases and we got out of there as fast as we could. I know when I go back to church, I will cry. My soul is already clawing at me to go. I wish I could go alone. I need to find a daily Mass where no one knows me. Then I could sit in the back and cry all I want, and no one would say anything to me. I want to lay all this at His feet, at the feet of my Lord and ask Him "Why?!" and yell at Him, because He can take it, and then hug Him, and have Him hug me back and tell me that my little babies, all of them, are just fine. That they are waiting for me. I know they are, so I need to start finding my thankfulness again.
So, in that mindset, I want, need, have to try and remind myself of all the beautiful things for which I am thankful. Tomorrow, I will start with my husband.