Count Down to 40 - Days 6 and 7?

 Days 6 and 7

Yesterday and today have been so busy, I am afraid I never got to post for yesterday, so, I have already lost on the goal for a post everyday! Well, I am catching up tonight.

My goal for yesterday was to speak more kindly, be more patient with all my kiddos. I think I can call that one a complete loss. I just started to listen to the way I talk to them, and I was not thrilled with my motherly ministrations to them. Wow - I really do sound mean a lot. This breaks my heart more than a little. I not only speak harshly to them, I complain constantly. When I realize I am doing it, it drives me crazy. I will say things to Kolbe a hundred times a day like " Will you please sit down and do math with me so I can get out of this chair someday!?" or  "If you don't get in here right now I am going to peel the ears off your head!" (this is referring to when they are being really bad, especially in church, I give their ears a tug - just to get them to pay attention, but still the threat sounds horrible!) Can you imagine what goes through their heads when their mother speaks this way to them? I lose patience so easily, and often. It has to be driving everyone crazy. Doug never says anything, just rounds them back up and sends them back in - I get the most frustrated when I have to make a phone call or something, and they all disappear - drives me crazy! Kolbe even said to me yesterday when I told him I wanted to finish up so I could get out of the school room for a while: " I know, I know, you complain about it all the time!". Well, that made me feel about this big |-|. I don't want him to feel like I hate doing school, I really want him to enjoy it, but the watching and listening the last two days has shown me that:

A. There really isn't any joyful learning going on here, it's just drudgery. Just getting through the material. Nothing more.
B. I don't play with or read to the littles. Really never get to. I play a little when the three little boys drag me (unwilling and complaining) out of bed early in the morning. I get them breakfast after that, then we start school, and I don't get to do anything with them until I feed them dinner. After that, it's bath, teeth, prayers, bed. Tonight I read A book. One book, because I had finally come to the realization that they are never read to. I can't stand it.
C. Kolbe doesn't know ANYONE his own age, other than cousins.
D. I am tired. I am not pleasant. I am not trying to impart knowledge. I am just muddling through as much as I can - usually until at least 8 o'clock at night. How am I ever going to add more students to this? Why would I do that to my poor, sweet little kids?
E. Other than snapping at each other to be quiet, we do nothing together during the day.
F. My husband and I just never see each other unless it is the middle of the night, when he gets home.
G. Did you notice that there was no mention of laundry in there? Or cleaning? Yeah.

So much of this plays into my discontent with the way I am operating this house, our "schedule" (ha!), the schooling, the raising of children. I should have this down. I've been doing some semblance of this forever. Why can't I get my act together? I think, and my brother has been trying to get me to understand this for years now, is that I have too much to do. But, where he misses the boat is that, because I have so much to do, I kind of check out, mentally, and don't do much of it, and none of it well. That's what this whole Count Down to 40 is really about. It's time. I mean, if you aren't a grown up by the time you are 40, it's never gonna happen. Part of me wants to go home ( I actually still get homesick - does anyone else feel that way?), climb into my mother's lap and suck my thumb or something. The other part of me wants to knock the crap out of the crybaby and say: "What the crap is the MATTER WITH YOU!? Grow the heck up and just do what you need to do!" Be nice, do school, be happy. Get up at 7 am with a smile on your face, say your prayers,  change diapers, go through your day, impart knowledge, do for others, be kind to your children (since you were the one who wanted so many!), clean your house, love your husband, get your work done and shut up about it!" (language edited because my mother reads this) What a loser. Sheesh.

Soo, my goal for tomorrow? Get out of this pity party, and get back to my original goal - which boils down to just finally, being a grown up - and being good at it.