On Raising Teens...and a Comment About Day 13

I recently read a post on one of the blogs I enjoy very much, all about her methods of training up her small children, so that by the time they are teens, they were pretty much the people they were going to be forever. I think I would have to agree with some of what she said. Having raised two teens so far, and working on 1.5 more, currently, with lots of littles coming up, I have a few opinions on the matter. I think having one foot in the homeschool world, and one foot out, has given me a unique perspective. Some homeschooling families (we are one, so don't take it the way it sounds, please!), make such strict rules for their kids, especially the teenagers.(And yes, I know some families have no rules or raising up at all!) I just tend to think that being overly harsh, with many rules and restrictions isn't going to help your case as a parent. If you know you raised a good kid - then trust that you raised a good kid, i.e., the following:

1. I think forming them early is important. Manners mean more than just saying please and thank you. They teach respect for self and others. If you teach them manners and self control when they are young, they don't have to learn it when they are teenagers.
2. I truly think that the beginnings of respect for self and others stems from a love of the Lord. Teaching children about God's love for us gives them a sense of intrinsic self worth. It also teaches them that God loves all of His children. Now, I know that children will be children, and therefore make mistakes, but when a child knows and understands that we are here to know, love and serve God in this world, so that we can be with Him in the next, it will impact many of their choices, and certainly the important ones.
3. If you take the time to get to know your kids, and keep knowing them as they mature, then you will be able to guess what kind of choices they will make. My Meg, my 20 year old, is our wild child. While that may scare some parents, it has never really scared me. I know where she draws the line between wild child and just plain sinful and disrespectful. I am comfortable, if not always entirely happy, with where she draws her line. She has a firm foundation in her faith, and she will stand by it, and always base her decisions, most especially the bigger, more important decisions; on it. I think, knowing that, it is easy to know what choices she will make in most situations. I know I can trust her to make good decisions. Our other 20 year old, Liz is somewhat less the wild child, and I think her foundation in faith is even deeper than Meg's. I trust that she knows her heart and mind, and bases all decisions on the teachings of faith. I know that because I know she has been well formed in faith, by her own choosing.
4.It's our job as parents to make sure our kids have the tools to navigate the world, relationships, choices about life, love, schooling, careers, everything. If we have raised them well, taught them the God loves them, and that we love and value them, and gotten to know their hearts and minds, then it is time to trust them. Let them make their own choices. Of course, some of them will be the wrong choice, but that's how everyone learns. But, hard as we may try, we can't hang on to them forever.
5. Keep talking to your teens. Know them well, and make sure they know you have expectations of them, but don't rule them. If you lord over them, make too many choices for them, they will fight you. Instead, keep conversations going, but let them have some room to move.

So, teach your babies, mold your toddlers, shape your children and tweens. And then, when they become old enough to fly the coop once in a while  - let them. Guide them, but let them go! They will make the right choices because you taught them how. I think this was why our oldest girls really never had too many rules. They never needed them. They just didn't need them. They were always home on time, they never hung out with the "wrong crowd" unless they were trying to help or convert them in some way. They never abused our trust in them. When it came time for the big dances and things, they actually had to ask us when we wanted them home. It never occurred to us to give them a curfew - we ALWAYS knew where they were, and who they were with, but we never had to ask.  They had such good, good girls as friends.
Maybe we've gotten lucky with some really good kids, and I'm not going to say that a couple of the ones coming up aren't gonna give us a run for our money, but we're doing okay so far. I am really proud of the ones who've flown the coop so far, and the next one, my Kenzie, she's a doozy. This kid is a great kid. When it's her time to fly, I'll trust her, and know that she'll make excellent choices.

As for my Count Down - it's Day 13, and I think I was a present parent today. I played with babies, I tried not to be distracted, I got school done in a timely manner, even though my new PW book was calling my name all day! Kolbe and I read about Susan B. Anthony today. Now, she was my kind of lady. She fought for womens rights, but she never wanted women to lose our femininity. She was against abortion, and outspoken about it. She knew that motherhood was the epitome of femininity, and a woman's best chance at shaping our world. She fought for our daughters rights to vote, and to own land, but never to give up what it means to be a woman.

So my goal for Day 14? I want to expose my daughters to true femininity - grace, love of God, respect for self and others, the dignity that comes with being thought of as a "lady". My grandmother was always a lady, she carried herself well, was full of poise and dignity, and dressed to the nines, with a killer set of gams. If you throw in some of my Grandma Karcher's warmth and hugs, and ability to make great pie, I think you've found the perfect woman! I want my girls to know their great grandmothers just a bit better, so I want to tell them some stories, and hopefully, create a memory of each woman for them. My grandmother is still alive, my Nain, and my girls know her, but they don't remember her when she was a little younger. Maybe I can give them a little of her, and a little of Grandma Karcher.

Count Down - But I Can't Remember What Day!

Yeb with some stolen VD bounty

 *Update: I am an official schmuck - my Douglas came home from work with a copy of  The Pioneer Woman's Black Heels To Tractor Wheels - and I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I owe the guy - big time! Back rubs,  a special dinner, something made of peanutbutter, even though peanutbutter smells and makes me want to... never mind, but he totally rocks socks, people!
Today was St. Valentine's Day, and while the web was full of "I love Valentine's Day" and "I hate Valentine's Day", the Jeffery Household stayed true to a couple of little traditions. I told the little kids the story of St. Valentine, and all the kids got little treats. The kids all made Valentines for their cousins and sent them up to be delivered.  My husband, the man who is far more romantic than I am, brought me roses, a card, and chocolates (most of which I gave to the kids!). I, on the other hand, did nothing for him. I thought we had a pact, one where we just don't spend money on this stuff anymore. The man always, always ignores the pact. It's sweet, and makes me feel like a schmuck. You would think I would be more romantic, wouldn't you? I mean, look at this place! I am a total sap. But I'm not really very romantic - and yes, there is a big difference. To me, being a sap means I wax poetic over everything and am overly emotional.  Being romantic - in the Valentine's Day sense  - it's  just not me. I would rather buy a funny card (but write a long, mushy note) than a lovey one, (but I'd rather get the lovey one), I'd rather give a backrub than buy a gift. Maybe that just makes me cheap? Could be! Honestly, when my Douglas walks through the door with roses, especially on Valentine's Day, all I can think about is how many gallons of gas he could have bought instead. Totally not romantic - and I know he knows I LOVE Valentine's Day, but the roses kill me. They are just going to die. And I know they were expensive, so I can't enjoy them. And that makes me feel mean, as they were given in love, but also I think he thinks he has to buy them. And no amount of telling him otherwise has ever worked. I don't know how to convince him. And feeling this way makes me feel like a big meanie - a scrooge of Valentines. And that was the longest paragraph, ever.

So, as for my Count Down to 40 (can't you just hear Andy Richter saying that, like when he and Conan used to do the "Year 2000" bits?)  - anyway, I can't even remember what day I am supposed to be on - I think Day 12? I sort of skipped 10 and 11 over the weekend, with Luke's birthday and other hoopla around here.
As for my goals, in short order:
1. Sugarlessness - well, I ate cake, and a couple of the chocolates Doug got me - but I gave almost all of them away - so better, but not great. *Sigh* - sugar continues to be a battle for me. I always think about sugar when I think of other people's addictions. It is mine, for sure.
2. Movement - well, I found the channel that has the lady doing yoga, and I watched her for a few minutes the other morning. Does that count? No? Shucks. I'll find her, and join her if it's the last thing I do (and it very well may be.)
3.Doing for others - well, I this is hard to say - I really don't like it when people say, "hey, I did this for so and so, or that, or the other" so it would bug me to put down here efforts I do try to make on behalf of others. I really try to do whatever is within my power, and will continue to. I guess you're gonna have to believe me on this one!
4.Reading to my babies - Yes, they are being read to, by Dad during the day, and I read them about a half a million books before bed, but after prayers and teeth, every night since I made it a goal. They LOVE it. Benji loves "The Tale of Benjamin Bunny" because there is a Benjamin who has a cousin, Peter, just like he is a Benjamin who has a cousin, Peter. Luke is loving Winnie the Pooh, and Yeb really, really likes the same Sandra Boynton "Going to Bed Book". He can pick it out and bring it to me every time. So, we have read these three books a gazillion times each. Please note that there are no fewer than 100 books in their bedroom at any given time.
5. Being kinder to my children - I am really working on speaking more kindly to them. I have to say, I am pretty darn sarcastic sometimes, and I have hurt their tender little hearts, especially Kolbe and Luke. They are both real softies, though Kolbe acts as tough as anything you could imagine. And my poor little Luke is just heartbroken any time anyone speaks harshly to him. I am getting better, though I made Luke cry just this evening because I snapped at him for goofing around in his seat at dinner. Poor guy - he forgave me right away, but I still felt badly. My Kenzie, she has picked up my knack for the super sarcastic. She is actually what made me realize the way I talk to the kids, because I was hearing her. And she sounded like me. So now, I have to figure out how to correct some of that. Suggestions on how to get a teenager to quit being so sarcastic are welcome in the comments section below.

So, as I look towards Day 13, and see how really busy this household is, I just want to be more present. I want to actually live my day, not just stumble through it. I do a lot of stumbling through! I want to hold my baby, and just feel the way he feels in my arms and try to cement it in my memory.  I want to get to know my bigger kids a bit better. I honestly don't know what goes through Jonah or Jenna's minds. Kenzie and Kolbe are different. They are chatty, they'll tell you EVERYTHING if you are in front of them long enough. You have to draw stuff out of Jonah, and Jenna, I don't know what deviousness is going on in there, but I have a feeling that there is a good bit of devious thought. Hmmm - suggestions for how to get into the head of a 10 year old daughter and the brain of a mustache growing 12 year old son, are welcome.

Have a Beautiful Tuesday, ya'll!

Happy Birthday, Lukey

Luke - 6 years

Today is February 12. That means it is my baby's birthday. Perhaps I should be more specific. It is my baby, Luke's birthday. My Lukey turned six years old today.

When we found out we were expecting Luke, we had six children already, the last four of them in rapid succession. I was so tired. So sleep deprived. To top the exhaustion of homeschooling, and just the number of children, work, daily life, my Jonah had just been diagnosed with a seizure disorder. That brought a lot of fear and worry. So, for the first time ever, I found my self not entirely thrilled about being pregnant. I know I whined a lot. He was also the first baby to make me ill. I had never been really nauseous or anything with the other kids. I pretty much breezed through my pregnancies.

As my pregnancy progressed I whined a little more, and tried to sleep, envisioning the hours, days, years of sleeplessness that would stretch before me as soon as I hit around 36 weeks, when you are just too uncomfortable to sleep. I knew that once it started, it would be a long time before I had a full night's rest.

Luke - 1 week old

When it came time to deliver our son, whom we had named "Luke Christopher" almost as soon as we saw the ultrasound, things got interesting. His heart rate went down really, really low. My usually calm midwife was not panicking, but she was rattled, as I was not sufficiently dialated. She called for the doctor, thinking they were going to have to use the vacuum to get the little guy outa there. As luck would have it, I had the urge to push, so she told me to go for it - she'd fix me up later if need be, and my darling Lucky Luke was born very quickly. I know very well what a good guardian angel this guy must have, to let him come so very fast, his heart rate just fine once he was out.

All my whining was over once I had him in my arms. He was really, really beautiful, with red fuzzy hair and big blue eyes. From that moment on our Luke has been the very sweetest child. He has an enthusiasm for life that even most six year olds don't have. He is thrilled for anyone opening a gift and will shower the person with "Wow! That's great!". He loves to give presents, wrapping his toys in towels or whatever is handy and presenting me or his dad with the gift. He somehow always knows what to say to make someone smile, and he is the sweetest, most affectionate child I have ever met. He just radiates charm and can win anyone over with his smile. I love him so much. I am forever grateful that God is in control of our family, and not me. Because I would have chosen to not be pregnant right then, and we would not have this beautiful child. This amazing little person. Luke, if you ever read this, know that you have been a gift to your dad and me. We always asked, jokingly, when God was going to send us a sweet one. You, my Lucky Luke, are the sweet one. Doesn't hurt that you are incredibly beautiful, with a shiny soul just beaming right onto whomever is around you. I love you so much, and I am so glad God sent you to us. Happy Birthday, "Wuke Chrisoper Jeffey". May God bless you always. Love, Mom

Crime and Punishment, err...Sin and Penance

Last weekend my son, Kolbe made his First Reconciliation. At the end of the ceremony, anyone who wanted to go to confession was welcomed. My children and I all lined up.

Our priest, Fr. Vic is very good at giving penances. He always makes the punishment penance fit the crime sin. As each of my children exited the confessional I instructed them to go sit and say their penance. Each one told me that they didn't have a prayer penance, Fr. Vic had instructed them to do something nice for whomever they had sinned against. A very typical penance from Fr., designed to make them think of the person they had wronged.

My children were working on their penances in the last day or so, though I didn't realize it. Jonah, Jenna and Kolbe were standing in the kitchen, arguing over who should get to play with a toy Jonah had purchased last night at Target. When I asked why they were arguing over it, as it was Jonah's, Kolbe says. "Well, I gave him the five bucks to buy it!" When I asked him why he would do that, he told me. "Well, Fr. Vic said I have to do something nice for Jonah, so I gave him five bucks." Jenna pipes up with "Yeah, and I am going to buy Kolbe some gum, since I have to be nice to him!"

I am pretty sure they weren't supposed to just buy each other off. I think I better call Fr. and ask him to be more specific next time!

Thinking About Being Spontaneous

I just posted about my 9th day of my Count Down to 40. It was sad, really. My poor children and I were so excited to go to my mom's and Target. I felt like I was being spontaneous because I had just decided this morning to go, I hadn't been planning it out all week or anything. Doesn't exactly define spontaneity, does it?
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Spontaneity as follows:

Definition of SPONTANEITY

1

: the quality or state of being spontaneous

2

: voluntary or undetermined action or movement; also : its source

Examples of SPONTANEITY

1. the spontaneity of their behavior
2. spontaneity in their lives when they had a baby>

Uh - did you read that last line? Yep - I think some of my lack of spontaneity can be attributed to babies and kids, sure, but to think that a trip to my parents' house and Target qualified? Oy - it's worse than I thought, folks. Old-ladyness is setting in, for sure. Who in the world thinks that is spontaneous?!

You wanna hear spontaneous? Try packing a mid-sized sedan with four kids, buying camping supplies on your way out of town to go TOUR ARIZONA?! A trip through the Grand Canyon, the Painted Desert, Sedona. Plopping our tents down in the middle of a reservation  - where someone drove cattle through our camp at around 3am - scared the daylights out of us! Dana, Stacy and I were in one tent, and Mom, Dad and Geoff were in another. We had those little pop-ups. We were awakened by odd noises and some large shapes pressing up against the sides of our tents! How were we to know that they were going to move cattle through the area in the middle of the night? I guess that's what you get for being spontaneous - one of the best memories of our time in Arizona, and a great story to tell when you are trying to remember the last time you were actually spontaneous. My mom and dad did this kind of thing all the time. It used to drive me nuts, but now, I want those stories for my kids. Can you learn how to be spontaneous?

New goal - try to be more spontaneous! Not Target spontaneous, but maybe Hocking Hills spontaneous, since we are in Ohio, rather than Arizona. Seriously, fly by the seat of my pants really just means I don't want to be tied down or have deadlines. Spontaneity means embracing life - getting out there and doing something. I'm gonna give it a shot. It'll take some planning, but I am sure I can pull it off!

Count Down to 40 - Day 9

It's just past midnight, and I  just sat down after running around all day long. It's been one of those crazy but fun days. A day where I met some goals, and totally blew a couple off - which is the way I tend to treat life anyway. I kind of like the fly by the seat of my pants thing I have had going the last 39+ year. I like getting an idea in my head and just going with it. So today, we got very little school done, but we did some, and since we spend most every day, all day long, doing school, I am definitely okay with that. I didn't do any exercising or stretching or yoga of any kind this morning. I am a little bummed about that, but honestly, I just forgot. I did play on the floor with babies, and chased Yeb back and forth through the living room, because it makes him scream and laugh. I fed them breakfast and rushed through school because I had a plan. We were going to go to my moms, then Target. How much more fun does it get than that? (Editor's note: upon rereading, I am a little sad that this qualifies in my mind as spontaneous. A post on that coming!)

We did school, had a late lunch and I told the kids to help the little guys; Luke, Ben and Yeb get dressed while I showered. It should be noted that my Kenzie was not home  - she is my right hand. I came out of the shower and all the little guys were dressed, save socks and shoes. I found Ben's shoes. And Yeb's. That left just Luke. I was tearing through his room, trying to find his shoes, when I realized I didn't even know what I was looking for. I asked him where his sneakers were, and he told me "Wellll, I don't know what they wook wike, so I can't find 'em". So, I am getting mad, as I tend to do when I have one of my shoe/sock/sweater/perfect outfit/whatever freak outs. I am running through the inventory in my head, trying to picture what his shoes look like. Ah! The white Nikes with a red and black swoosh! But wait, the last time I put those on him, we couldn't get them on his feet. Plus, it's been all snowy, so he's been wearing boots. Boots! Ugh - I just threw them away because the were SO. GROSS. They had been passed down from Jonah and I just tossed them a few days ago wheeeennnn? Ah yes, when he tried to wear them to church and I had another mini freak out over the whole "find the church shoes" thing. So, okay the kid has no shoes other than his church shoes which are also really too small. This requires some digging into my "grow into" boxes. I finally found a pair of sneakers in the right size. I was so excited, I pulled them out and THEY HAD NO LACES! So, frustration and my level of near freak out is at a dangerous level. Why, oh why would anyone take the laces out? Well, it was Kolbe, I am sure. For a while there, he kept tying laces and strings and jump ropes together and tying all the doors in the upstairs together. Weird, right? I had forgotten all about it until I found the laceless sneakers.

To make an already way too long story even longer, I had to find laces before we could leave. I dug through junk drawers (well, Doug's one junk drawer in the kitchen) and came up with a pair of perfectly white shoe laces to go in the dark gray and black sneakers. They just screamed "hit me, I am a dork!", but it was now past 4:30 and if we were going to go, we needed to go. We finally got to my mom's about an hour after I planned to be there. But you know what? It all felt kinda good. The rushing. The getting out of the house. The mad dash to get everyone dressed and ready. We used to do it two or three days a week - go to Canton and see everyone. I never minded the mad dash. I like flying by the seat of my pants - I actually miss the opportunity to do it more. We are so tied down with work and school, and children, that spontaneity just isn't in the cards most days.

We were all so happy to be out of the house, the kids were happy, I was happy. We went to my mom's and then decided to go tour the new house that my brother and his wife are almost done building. The kids ran through the big, empty house for a while, hugging cousins and laughing - happy to be together unexpectedly.

Before we came home we made a late run through Target - Mecca to both me and the kids. We LOVE us some Target. Something for everyone. We shopped for birthday presents, cereal, and some other necessities. But, did I buy Luke some shoes? Some shoe laces, perhaps - to replace the dorky white laces that will drive me crazy? NOPE.  I thought about it, and promptly forgot before we even left the store.

So my goals for the day? Shot all to heck, though I really didn't sit down all day. And I think I was nice. I didn't scream or yell about the shoes, or socks, or anything. We had a really fun day - a spontaneous day. A day that felt like me. The girl who doesn't like schedules or dates or times. I follow the rules, don't get me wrong. I just do it all in my own time. And on a day like today, I am okay with that.

A Count Down to 40? Day 8 or Whatever

 Count Down to 40 - Day 8

I am getting bored  - it seems so narcissistic. But then, most blogs are fairly narcissistic. It is shortly after 8pm, which is a fevered time in the Jeffery household. We're still cleaning up from dinner, and lunch, and school,  and whatever Yebbi dumped, smeared, licked, climbed or broke throughout the afternoon. The little boys know that bedtime is fast approaching, so they are running around like crazy men, trying to get some last minute activity in before their forced confinement. They are like bees in September. You know how bees get all frantic and aggressive because it will soon be time to hibernate, or whatever bees do all winter long? (What do bees do all winter long? An important question which will drive me nuts until I go google it.) Well, my boys get all frantic and run around and make messes and basically do all in their power to avoid the dreaded procedures of bath, teeth, book (fingers crossed!), prayers and bed. Luke begs for one more game on the Wii, which he has been on all day long today. Which is why I didn't want video games. Ben is begging for food, because he fell asleep in his dinner, and never ate a single bite. And Yebbi. My baby is in constant motion unless he is passed out cold.

Nice pajama bottoms, there Benji. That's not embarrassing at all.

Yeb is always recharged after a meal!

One pretty cool thing happened when I was taping (Couldn't get it to upload! Bummer!)Yeb, he actually signed "all done" for me! I know he knows all the signs I have taught him, because he'll pull one out every once in a while. He doesn't talk much yet, but is a total ham. He can say the word "cheese" clear as can be, but if you want him to sign or say "please",  ya get nothin'. Well, I finally got him on tape signing. I keep telling the kids, if they do everything for him, he won't ever talk! His favorite thing to say is "no!" but, like so many siblings and cousins, I think he means "yes" half the time.
The bigger kids just keep asking me if it is time to put the little guys to bed yet. Should I feel bad that we all count down to bedtime? At the end of the day, I think we have all earned a little bit of calm before the big kids have to go to bed. And my Kenzie Rosie. She is not here, she is at my sister's house because she babysits for her one day a week, and I miss her every minute. I turn to tell her something a hundred times until she comes home again.

As for all my goals, and counting down  - I'm still on it. I just thought I'd like to think of someone else for a change - anyone reading this is bound to get bored. (I do realize that I just spent 3-4 paragraphs talking about my kids, which amounts to the same thing.)
I have been pretty good, but not perfect about the sugar thing. I fell off the wagon on Sunday, but got back Monday. ( I blame my Aunt Sue and her turtle bars which I decided to make for the kids for the Superbowl. Yeah, they were for the kids alright.)
I had a bad day yesterday, and was snappy and cranky. I pointed this out to my husband, and asked him to remind me when I get like that to try and speak nicely to the little monkey heads. His thought was that one person can only take so much and Kolbe's constant leaving earned him a threat or two! Men - they so don't sweat all the guilt stuff women do! I love his perspective. It helps calm me down.
 Sooo, to recap:
Be nice to people - workin' on it.
No sugar - mostly under control
Bring some joy - I'm working on finishing up my Facebook Pay It Forwards this weekend. Does that count?
Embrace the idea of actually turning 40 - still stops me cold and fills me with dread. Gonna mark that one as a work in progress!

So, for my next goal, in addition to no sugar, I am going to take the advice of my very dear friend, whom I have not seen in 25 (yikes!) years, and add some movement to my day. Somewhere. Probably going to be something goofy with the little boys first thing in the morning, so the big kids aren't up to make fun of me. This will be the hardest thing because:
#1. - I HATE MORNINGS
#2. - I HATE EXERCISE more than I hate mornings
 So, that sounds doable, right? I am thinking 20 minutes or so, building up bit by bit, and maybe adding 10 minutes in the afternoon of some yoga or something when I am losing it with Kolbe. Are there any exercise people out there? Will this do any good, or is it not enough to bother? I think anything has to be better than the absolute zip that is going on now. If I could *gasp* actually get my lazy self out of bed before the little boys get up, I could do some yoga  or something and get in a rosary. THAT would be the start of something big, ya'll.